Types of Trauma Children Suffer in Dysfunctional Families

From the teachings of Pia Mellody

Trauma Descriptions

Enmeshment Trauma

1. Physical: (Use of implement s, face slapping, hair pulling, having a child physically nurture a parent and intrusive procedures.)
   
   
2. Physical SEXUAL: (Sex acts, sexual touching, sexual kissing and hugging, voyerism, exhibitionism, verbal sexual trauma, failure to have sexual boundary in the presence of a child, and child as a witness to sexual trauma.)
   
   
3. Emotional SEXUAL: (Involving emotional enmeshment by the parent or major caregiver.)
   
   
4. Intellectual: (Attacks to the shaming of or over control of the child's expression of thought)
   
   
5. Emotional: (Shaming of a child's expression of emotion. Refusal to let child express feelings or improper expression of feelings by the parent or major caregiver.)
   
   
6. Spiritual: (Religious addiction of the parent or major caregiver, trauma at the hands of a religious caregiver, parent acting like he/she is a god or goddess of the family, indulgence or false empowerment of the child, and moral perfection and obedience demanded from the child.

Abandonment Trauma

Failure to provide adequate:

• food, clothing and/or shelter
• physical nurturing
• emotional nurturing
• sexual information
• medical/dental care
• financial support or information
• education
• spiritual nurturing
  

When Children are Made Responsible for Parents

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From “Silently Seduced” by Kenneth Adams. Exploring the dynamics of covert (emotional or non-sexual but gender-related) incest.

From pages 13 -14:

The covertly incestuous relationship system continues to affect one's choice of partners, decisions about separation and divorce, sexuality and all attempted at emotional fulfillment until the truth is faceted and resolved. This is not about blaming or accusing parents. It is about assigning responsibility where it belongs: the parents' relationship with the child. Children do not choose this relationship; it is created for them. Even as adults we do not gain freedom of choice until we see the past clearly and experience our feelings about it. Relationships continue to be dictated by the sense of entrapment, experienced as a surrogate partner to one's parent. Assigning responsibility where it rightfully belongs is the first crucial step in gaining access to one's true feelings, needs and wants.

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I think it's important to understand that parents recreate their own family systems. Most parents are not malicious and are not aware of the effect they have on their children because a part of their own childhood is buried within. Sadly, if one's own childhood is not seen for what it really was, the pain of these incestuous relationships gets passed on from one generation to the next. If parents never recover their own lost childhoods, their grief deepens. They continue to expect their children to be there for them in ways they hoped their parents would have been. When this expectation goes unmet, parents see their children as ungrateful, unloving and ungiving. The result is heightened struggles between adult children and aging parents. Willpower or the right set of moral standards aren't enough to produce lasting, healthy changes. Only by facing one's past can one take responsibility for oneself and reclaim the vitality surrendered by being a parent's surrogate partner.

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From page 19 – 20:

Many men and women have grown up in families where there is no alcoholic or chemically dependent parent, yet the struggles for love and intimacy are similar. In fact, many of these families appear well put together, almost the ideal or perfect family on the outside. This makes it much more difficult to confront the past in the effort to find the roots of one's current struggles to grow and become healthy. These dysfunctional families have been described as co-dependent.

In “Co-Dependency And Family Rules: A Paradoxical Dependency,” Robert Subby and John Friel offer this definition:

Co-dependency is a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem-solving which is kept in place by a set of the rules within the family system. These rules make healthy growth and change very difficult.

These rules are described by Subby and Friel as follows:

1. It's not okay to talk about problems.
2. Feelings should not be expressed openly.
3. Communications is best if indirect, with one person acting as messenger between the other two (triangulation).
4. Be strong, good, right, perfect. Make us proud. (Unrealistic expectations.)
5. Don't be “selfish.”
6. Do as I say, not as I do.
7. It is not good to play or be playful.
8. Don't rock the boat.

Excerpts from

Kenneth Adams

"Silently Seduced:

When Parents Make Their Children Partners

~Understanding Covert Incest"

Health Communications, 1991

The "Sweet Side" of Enmeshment (Success at a Price)

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From “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.

From pages 28 – 30:

When I work with adults who were enmeshed with their parents, I am continually reminded of the “sweet side” of the syndrome. By and large, the people I've counseled were attractive and successful in some aspect of their lives. A significant number have had an unusual amount of talent and charisma and have made outstanding achievements in life. For example, I've worked with highly paid executives, nationally recognized artists, successful entrepreneurs – even a Pulitzer Prize nominee. 

In a few instances, these achievements seemed to be the result of in born trials such as physical beauty or unusual intelligence. But for the majority of my clients, their accomplishments appeared to be the direct result of enmeshment. Some had a “Stage Mom or Dad” who pushed them into stardom: their parents badgered or seduced them into abandoning their own goals and adopting the higher standards of an adult. Others succeeded for a less obvious reason: being linked with a parent resulted in a heady sense of entitlement. After all, they had won out in the only competition in life that really mattered: the competition for a parent's love and attention. As a result, they felt destined for success. The seized opportunities others passed by and attracted people to them with their winning ways.

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But what was so confusing to my clients was that these positive qualities were always offset by negative ones. Strangely, they felt both privileged and victimized, both talented and worthless, both blessed and cursed. For every positive trait, they expressed it's polar opposite...

Why this contradictory mix of emotions? Typically, there are several factors involved. Part of my clients' confusion could be traced to the fact that many of their fundamental needs had been ignored. Their parents' need for intimacy and companionship had taken precedence over their need for nurturing and independence. Paradoxically, their parents' excessive interest in them had created lifelong feelings of deprivation: “No one is taking care of me!”

Another factor was that while my clients may have been delighted in all the parental attention, on a deeper level they felt exposed and confined. They didn't feel free to be who they were or to develop at their own pace. They felt manipulated and controlled.

Finally, many clients discovered that for every privilege bestowed by a parent, there had been a jealous reaction from someone else. The thrill of being “mama's little man” or “daddy's girl” was eroded by the jealousy of a left-out sibling. The status that came from being a parent's surrogate spouse was offset by the resentment of the displaced husband or wife. The alliance with a parent had thrown the whole family out of balance, and the Chosen Child was often the target of the resulting anger.

Excerpt from
Dr. Patricia Love's The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent's Love Rule's Your Life Bantam Books, 1990

Sex and Relationships Problems ~~The Effects of Enmeshment

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From “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.

NOTE: SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTER concerning sexual problems that stem from enmeshment with a parent. Please make note of it. For mature readers only.

The Relationship Problems of the Chosen Child

(The child within a relationship of enmeshment with a parent.)

From pages 51 – 55:

(BUY THE BOOK if you find this relevant to you!

This is a gross condensing of the main points of the text!)

Fear of Commitment

“I do just fine with women right up to the point where the word 'commitment' is mentioned. Then I feel like turning and running away. The thought of living with just one woman for the rest of my life sends me into a cold sweat.”

Problems with love relationships are the rule rather than the exception for the adult Chosen Child, and one of the most common problems is a fear of intimacy and commitment. To a person who was bound up with an engulfing parent, any close relationship can feel like an invasion. I see this trait quite frequently in men who were the favorite sons of aggressive, domineering mothers.

Lack of Romantic Attraction

Woman: “I am married to a wonderful man. He goes out of his way to please me. I couldn't ask for anything more. Yet, I'm always dissatisfied. I keep wondering, 'Where's the magic? Isn't there more to love than this?'”

Man: “I've been married three times, and I'm about to sign up for number four. I've never found what I'm looking for in a woman. All my wives have disappointed me.

The normal parent-child bond is powerful in and of itself; when it is amplified by enmeshment, it becomes all-encompassing. Unwittingly, some Chosen Children go through life trying to recapture this intensity...

Identity Problems and the Effects of Enmeshment with a Parent

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From “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.

The Identity Problems of the Chosen Child

(The child within a relationship of enmeshment with a parent.)

From pages 46 – 51:

(BUY THE BOOK if you find this relevant to you!

This is a gross condensing of the main points of the text!)

A Diffuse Sense of Identity

“I'm never sure who I am or what I want. I keep wanting to know what other people want before I make up my mind. I'm heavily influenced by other people's opinions.”

A parent who is too closely allied with a child invariably interferes with the development of the child's sense of identity. Typically, the parent programs the child to have similar tastes and values. In dozens of ways – sometimes with words, sometimes with smiles and winks – the parent says to the child: “You and I are buddies,” “We like the same things,” or “We are different from the rest of the family.” The parent is looking for an ally, a champion, a soul mate. In most cases, the child will comply, because pleasing the parent – and thereby ensuring the parent's love – is more important than developing a sense of self. Survival comes first; self-expression is secondary.

Enmeshment's Effects on Self Image

--> From “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.

The Self-Image Problems of the Chosen Child

(The child within a relationship of enmeshment with a parent.)

From pages 38 – 43:

(BUY THE BOOK if you find this relevant to you!

This is a gross condensing of the main points of the text!)

Fluctuating Self Esteem

“There have been times in my life when I've been really full of myself – almost as if I had a superhuman powers, fell as if we were operating in two different leagues. At other times, I've felt completely worthless – almost as if I was an imposter. There seemed to be no middle ground.”

Widely fluctuating self-esteem is a common problem for may adult Chosen Children. For some, the high side of the mood swing can be traced to the euphoria of winning the exclusive love of a parent. Being a parent's favorite can give the illusion of being able to conquer anything or anyone in any setting... This dizzy swing of feelings from invincibility to inadequacy is prevalent in Chosen Children.

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Fear of Rejection

“There are times when I feel worthless – totally unworthy of love. I isolated myself for fear of rejection.”

Some Chosen Children are plagued with the feeling that they're unlovable. At first this may seem a contradiction in terms: How can a child be a parent's favorite and still feel rejected? The answer is that being enmeshed with one parent often provokes the resentment of the other parent. It's a decidedly Freudian equation: to win Daddy's love is to risk Mommy's wrath. The left out parent's anger can take many forms...

Social Isolation

“When I was growing up, I never felt like one of the group. Sometimes I just felt I was better than everyone else; other times I felt inferior. It was a long time before I had a sense of equality or belonging.”

Spending less time with other kids than does the typical child, the Chosen Child has littleopportunity to feel part of a group. The problem is compounded for the only child or for the child who is resented by siblings, for the girl or boy grows up with only a limited sense of kinship and belonging.

As a result of this social isolation, the child is denied the leveling influence of peers. Children are very direct in their feedback; they socialize one another with sledgehammers. While this interaction may be painful at times, it does encourage children to act in socially acceptable ways. A child who is isolated from others may hold on to personality quirks that prove a liability later in life.

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A Feeling of Inferiority

“I feel like a failure. I keep setting goals for myself and failing to achieve them. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Not in my eyes. Not in other people's eyes.”

Children who grow up with an Invasive Parent can have an unnaturally low estimation of their abilities, especially if the parent was critical or abusive. Children believe what they've been told, and if they've been told over and over again that they're in the way or no good, they will take the message to heart.

Surprisingly, children who grow up with adoring parents may also feel that they don't measure up. [The child compares self to the adult and cannot match his skills.] This low self esteem continues into adulthood, and the boy [in the case study] grows into the kind of man who constantly belittles his own accomplishments. No matter what he does, he is never good enough.

Excerpt from
Dr. Patricia Love's The Emotional Incest Syndrome:
What to Do When a Parent's Love Rule's Your Life Bantam Books, 1990

Paying the Emotional Toll for Enmeshment ~~ The Problematic Life of the Chosen Child

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From “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.

Please take time to read the previous post if you have not already done so. I will expand a bit upon each one of these issues in subsequent posts.

Consider these questions until for a day or so until the posts describing these characteristics in depth, and ask yourself in your heart of hearts, “Could this possibly apply to me and my life?” If it doesn't fit, for you and your experience, that's fine. But I ask all here would read this and sleep on it, being honest with yourself. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you into all truth, anointing your eyes and your ears and your heart so that you would know truth from error in a powerful way. Prepare your heart as you prepare to read the next post. May you hear only the sound of the Lord in your heart, the voice of the Good Shepherd, for the voice of another you will not follow.

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The posts to follow list of the emotional problems that Love identifies as common issues for adult children who experienced enmeshment with a parent or caretaker. If you experience cognitive dissonance (that feeling of confusion and discomfort because you feel challenged or are considering a contradictory idea), consider that God promises to lead and guide us into all truth through the Power of the Holy Spirit. I know, because I was challenged by this material when I read about these things for the first time, now nearly 20 years ago. It was uncomfortable, but I also could not deny the truth of the words on the page that pierced me like a compassionate surgeon's scalpel in order to bring healing.

Answering these types of questions concerning the truth about the many unmet needs that I experienced as a child is still very difficult for me and has been my greatest setback. I try to mitigate and downplay the injustice of it all by making excuses or by rationalizing things away. “I was depressed as a child, but so did my parents, so what happened to me can be dismissed because it was not intentional.” 

I can attest personally how difficult and terrifying it has been for me to admit the truth about my own family myths and to face the emotions that accompany that truth. Avoidance sometimes seems to be the actual function and great work of my life because this process is so intimidating. So I will ask you to pray about what you've read thus far and sleep peacefully tonight. Read the next installment tomorrow. Make sure your feet are shed with the Gospel of the preparation of peace, and prepare your heart with prayer.

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From page 33 - 55:

As you read the following material on emotional problems of the Chosen Child, be alert for the possibility of denial. And remember that you may be experiencing denial on two separate levels:

1. You may be blocking out some painful aspects of your childhood.
2. You may be blind to some of the coping mechanisms you developed to diminish your pain.

While reading one section you may be blocking how it relates to your past. For example, you may read the section on low self-esteem and find yourself thinking, “Yes, I often have low self-esteem, but unlike this example, it's not because my parents criticized or abused me. They were always nice to me.” Consider the fact that you may be unwittingly perpetuating a family mythology. Ask yourself: “Could it be possible that my parents were more abusive or neglectful that I would like to believe? Was there a subtle way they put me down? Did they praise me, but five me the hidden message that I didn't measure up? Did they say they loved me but paid little attention to my needs?”

Later, you may identify with a particular description of family life, but not the attending emotional difficulties. For example, you may read the section on grandiosity and say to yourself “My father may have openly preferred me to both my brothers, but that didn't make me grandiose. I'm always humble and level-headed.” In this case, test the validity of your self-perception. Ask yourself: “Do people ever accuse me of being arrogant? Has a friend indicated that I'm a bit full of myself? Have I ever had problems at work that might be attributed to grandiosity?” If you keep an open mind as you venture into this chapter, you may make considerable progress on your road to recovery.

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Emotional Challenges of the Adult Child of Enmeshment

Guilt and Anxiety

• Guilt
• Chronic Low-Level Anxiety

Self-Image Problems

• Fluctuating Self-esteem
• Fear of Rejection
• Social Isolation
• Feelings of Inferiority

Perfectionism

• Denial of Needs
• A Compulsive Need to Succeed

Identity Problems

• A Diffuse Sense of Identity
• An Inability to Separate from the Parent
• Personal Boundary Problems

Relationship Problems

• Fear of Commitment
• Lack of Romantic Attraction
• Conflicts Between the Spouse and the Parent
• Attraction to Self-Centered Partners
• Sexual Problems

Excerpt from
Dr. Patricia Love's The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent's Love Rule's Your Life Bantam Books, 1990