Yet Another Case History of the Sexualizing Parent

I received some feedback about the offensive nature of the terms that I use on this blog. It was just one person's observation who didn't particularly like the language. I don't think that I really like it any better than they do! Imagine how offended I first felt when I read them, also realizing that I'd lived out the dynamics of them. I defer to those who described my life on the pages of their books, too eerie and accurate for me to ignore.

I've yet to mention the Covert Incest website here, as it offers some general information about the disturbing phenomenon.

Here is a more disturbing account of a daughter who was "sexualixed" by her father, something that I believe there is great risk for within the whole Botkin Syndrome paradigm. Women and daughters in particular are not taught appropriate relationship boundaries as part of the patriocentric/so-called "Biblical patriarchy" movement, and I believe strongly that the dynamics predispose those who come from difficult families of origin to these types of abuse.

I have two dear grown friends who were molested by brothers in their families when they were growing up and told their mothers who denied the sexual incest. These were Christian homes and the abuse occured in the 1960s and the 1970s, without the subtle effects of the teachings that women are derivative images of God (that which is made in the image of man directly and not God) and created for the sole purpose of the support and use of men. I'm also concerned that the social isolation experienced in many homeschooling families and Family Integrated Churches will limit the resources and perspectives of young women so that they will not be able to readily find help, should they experience sexual abuse in addition to the covert incest that is so characteristic of the patriocentric paradigm.

This article contains some references to sexual boundaries and the disturbing paper thin boundaries that can characterize a relationship of emotional enmeshment between fathers and daughters. I pray that this is occurance is rare within family integrated church families, but I know that there is some potential for it as I have knowledge of sexual sins in some of these families. If you link to the full account offered by a reader of the Covert Incest website, be aware that there are references to sexual material.


From "Why Do I Feel Like He Is Making Me into His Wife?" featured on "CovertIncest.org":

I have known for a few years now that my father as a child emotionally abused me.  I knew that his actions were inappropriate and yucky, but I was not sure what to call. it. My psychologist helped me through confronting the abuse, but  I still never put a. name on the form of the abuse, nor was I ever able to feel fully validated in saying I was a survivor of abuse. No one ever touched me, so I did not feel like I had any. right to complain...

He thinks women are taking over the world, and that we are all man-haters...

I couldn’t insult, offend, or question my father...

My mother is a terrible housekeeper, one of the breaking points in my parents’
marriage. She would leave for church Sunday mornings, leaving my sister and me. alone with him. My sister would hide in her room. I knew what was coming but.couldn’t run away because that wouldn’t be “right.” My father would fly into a rage and start yelling and complaining about how the house was a mess and we would start cleaning. I would keep quiet, not letting myself cry or show emotion, be a good girl and do whatever he said. I once scrubbed the bathroom floor with a sponge on my hands and knees, working furiously so that he wouldn’t yell any more. I just wanted him to stop yelling. I hated church so I wouldn’t go. I had no escape from his anger. I think I was afraid of him hitting me, or worse. I knew he would never touch me and yet I always felt that he might. And I was so angry for my mother for not knowing what was going on, for not staying and protecting me...

The amount of fear I feel when I am attracted to someone is horrible. Having a crush is never, ever pleasant.

So that is what brought me here. I feel like I need to understand what did happenso that I can move on with my life.

Family Balance and How All Members Help Keep It Afloat

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About Covert Incest from “Silently Seduced” by Kenneth Adams. .

From pages 12 – 13:

All families function as a system in which one person's actions affect another and vice versa. Although each member functions independently, that member also affects and is affected by the whole. Salvador Minuchin, in “Families and Family Therapy,” says the family system has a function or purpose of seeking to bring itself back into balance or stability when disrupted. So in the case of a marriage not bonded in a healthy way, the parents' unmet dependency, intimacy and emotional needs will be met by the rest of the system – the children...

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The child becomes the parent's confidant. Loneliness, bitterness and dissatisfaction with the marriage and sex life are common topics in these discussion. The child feels “icky” about it but quickly comes to the parent's rescue and begins to serve as the surrogate spouse the system is lacking. Both parents are active participants in this covertly incestuous relationship. One is getting some needs met through the child and the other is relived at not having to deal with the reality of the dissatisfied partner. Covert incest victims often report that the same-sex parent encouraged them to comfort the opposite-sex parent after a marital fight or in their absence, for example, “You take care of your mother while I'm gone; I'm counting on you.” The child, hoping to get some of his or her own needs met, readily obliges.

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Once the boundary between parents and child is crossed in a covertly incestuous relationship, potential for more victimization exists. For example, if the oldest boy is in a psychological marriage with his mother, he may act out the covert sexualized energy with a younger sister in an overt sexual way. What started out as a spillover of unmet intimate needs from the marriage to the oldest boy in a covert way works its way into the overt incest between siblings. This example clearly demonstrates how one person's behavior in a family affects the family system as a whole.

The family system works to seek balance and tries to correct itself even in adulthood. As long as the abuse or neglect experienced in childhood remains buried within, we recreate our family all over again in adult relationships. This is an effort to work our and resolve that childhood pain. Yes, the family system continues to affect one's life even when one is no longer living at home and has dismissed childhood as gone and best forgotten.

Excerpts from

Kenneth A. Adams"Silently Seduced:
When Parents Make Their Children Partners
~ Understanding Covert Incest"
Health Communications, 1991

Types of Trauma Children Suffer in Dysfunctional Families

From the teachings of Pia Mellody

Trauma Descriptions

Enmeshment Trauma

1. Physical: (Use of implement s, face slapping, hair pulling, having a child physically nurture a parent and intrusive procedures.)
   
   
2. Physical SEXUAL: (Sex acts, sexual touching, sexual kissing and hugging, voyerism, exhibitionism, verbal sexual trauma, failure to have sexual boundary in the presence of a child, and child as a witness to sexual trauma.)
   
   
3. Emotional SEXUAL: (Involving emotional enmeshment by the parent or major caregiver.)
   
   
4. Intellectual: (Attacks to the shaming of or over control of the child's expression of thought)
   
   
5. Emotional: (Shaming of a child's expression of emotion. Refusal to let child express feelings or improper expression of feelings by the parent or major caregiver.)
   
   
6. Spiritual: (Religious addiction of the parent or major caregiver, trauma at the hands of a religious caregiver, parent acting like he/she is a god or goddess of the family, indulgence or false empowerment of the child, and moral perfection and obedience demanded from the child.

Abandonment Trauma

Failure to provide adequate:

• food, clothing and/or shelter
• physical nurturing
• emotional nurturing
• sexual information
• medical/dental care
• financial support or information
• education
• spiritual nurturing
  

Sex and Relationships Problems ~~The Effects of Enmeshment

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From “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.

NOTE: SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTER concerning sexual problems that stem from enmeshment with a parent. Please make note of it. For mature readers only.

The Relationship Problems of the Chosen Child

(The child within a relationship of enmeshment with a parent.)

From pages 51 – 55:

(BUY THE BOOK if you find this relevant to you!

This is a gross condensing of the main points of the text!)

Fear of Commitment

“I do just fine with women right up to the point where the word 'commitment' is mentioned. Then I feel like turning and running away. The thought of living with just one woman for the rest of my life sends me into a cold sweat.”

Problems with love relationships are the rule rather than the exception for the adult Chosen Child, and one of the most common problems is a fear of intimacy and commitment. To a person who was bound up with an engulfing parent, any close relationship can feel like an invasion. I see this trait quite frequently in men who were the favorite sons of aggressive, domineering mothers.

Lack of Romantic Attraction

Woman: “I am married to a wonderful man. He goes out of his way to please me. I couldn't ask for anything more. Yet, I'm always dissatisfied. I keep wondering, 'Where's the magic? Isn't there more to love than this?'”

Man: “I've been married three times, and I'm about to sign up for number four. I've never found what I'm looking for in a woman. All my wives have disappointed me.

The normal parent-child bond is powerful in and of itself; when it is amplified by enmeshment, it becomes all-encompassing. Unwittingly, some Chosen Children go through life trying to recapture this intensity...

Fathers, Weddings and the Sexualization of Daughters in the Family Integrated Church

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“My Daddy bought my

honeymoon nightgown,

so it's okay to be intimate

with my new husband.”

???????????

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The following is a post from the "thatmom: real encouragement for real homeschooling moms" blog. It followed after a long discussion of enmeshment and inappropriate fixations on gender within the patriarchy movement. It is nearly all the way at the bottom of the thread entitled: The Great Divide: Patriocentrists on One Side, Thinking Women on the Other.

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The blog does not allow linking to specific comments, but at this time, this comment appears at the very end of the list of comments on this thread. I draw attention to it because it sounds very much like the passage that I quoted from Adams in the previous post discussing "Daddy's Little Girl."

Thanks to "Anne2" who was so kind to find this for me, pointing it out to me on the True Womanhood website. It is another example of "covert" or non-sexual but gender related incest between a father and daughter in the "Family Integrated Church" movement.

Anne wrote @ June 2, 2008 at 5:25 pm:

...About 15 years ago I was at a wedding with patrios leanings. I felt embarrassed when during the ceremony the father made a big deal about how his daughter was a virgin and blah, blah, blah. She was a blushing bride, for all the wrong reasons.

In the previous week the bride’s mother had pulled out some lingerie to show me, that the father gave the daughter. It had been purchased by the father and was a gift for the wedding night. I remember thinking, “How tacky is this?” The mother then said, “you know, it shows that her father, thinks this is ok, that she can have sex with her new husband.” I just got the willies and thought where the heck was this family’s sense of propriety?

I have the same assessment when viewing you tube videos of patriarch weddings and reading some of the vows some have taken, and their constant display of look at us doing this here biblical stuff.

It becomes a display of poor taste and bad manners with their incessant pushing of this new righteousness. Interestingly, in their desire to be seen as so biblical, they fall into appearing to have as bad as taste as the ungodly. At this same girl’s bridal shower, an unsaved woman gave her a teapot. The woman then shouted, “Open the pot, open the pot!” Upon which the bride-to-be pulled out a pair of lacy panties, another woman then reached for them and slingshot them through the air into the room full of besmirched and hysterical women.

Who is tackier?

And who says these guys have the market cornered on how to be a “biblical” family or “biblical” anything for that matter?

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Anne adds to this on True Womanhood after I inquired about whether anyone remembered where I could find the post:

I also want to add not only did the father of the bride go on and on about his daughter being a virgin and how the couple had never kissed, the pastor who took the wedding, also belaboured the point in his wedding charge. To date, it has been the most embarrassing public event I have ever witnessed. At the reception the bride’s parents got up in front of everyone and embarrassed her again when dad literally swept his wife off her feet bent over backwards kissing, while someone shouted, “Show ‘em how it’s done!” Poor girl.

Romantic Relationships and Marriages of Adults Who Grew Up Enmeshed With Their Parents

From “Silently Seduced” by Kenneth Adams. Exploring the dynamics of covert (emotional or non-sexual but gender-related) incest.

From pages 82 – 84:

Ambivalence serves as a way to protect. By holding the ambivalence as a defense, covert incest victims stay guarded from the threat of being used and abused again. The original pain of being abused by the parent surfaces in relationships with spouses. As the need for further commitment in a relationship grows, the fear of being used again grows as well. Since the boundaries are often blurred between the incestuous wound of childhood and that of adulthood, being able to differentiate between one's spouse and the incestuous parent is difficult. Consequently the feelings of being violated become active. Ambivalence shields the covert incest victim from the threat of further abuse.

Although covert incest victims experience chronic ambivalence in relationships, the beginnings of the relationship are often quick and intense. Immediate and total commitment occurs, followed by the uncertainty of the ambivalence. The tremendous guilt the covert incest victims carry prohibits leaving if the relationship is not working. Instead, they try to make it right, only to be disillusioned after each attempt. Or if the relationship has potential, the guilt interferes with clearly identifying personal needs to make a legitimate attempt to make the relationship work. Commitment becomes an arena desperately longed for. However, it is an experience which generates fear and confusion.

These hasty and intense commitments are born out of the attachment to fantasy as well as the tremendous neediness experienced by the covert incest victim. Rather than bonding with the person, the bod is to the fantasy the person represents. Since the fantasy represents the ideal or perfect person, the commitment is immediate. The person may have some of the qualities of the fantasy spouse, but in reality is never seen as for who he or she really is. When the illusion dies, and they all do, the struggle regarding commitment surfaces. Now faced with who the person really is and realizing the vulnerable of committing so quickly, ambivalence sets in.

One Review of the Disturbing Return of the Daughters

Here's my second attempt at posting my first comment here on Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkin’s new film, ”The Return of the Daughters.” (I sent my first attempt into cyberspace oblivion.) There are so many things about the film that are disturbing to me, and I was amazed to see how “emotionally engaged” my very logical husband became when we viewed it together. We were both disturbed for a wide variety of reasons, probably because the general premise of young women desiring to live godly lives to impact society is such a desirable premise. But like so much of Vision Forum influenced ideology, “you get much more than you bargained for.” I actually thought at one point, that it might be nice to have Dave Letterman’s blink counter set to sound whenever “Biblical” was used as a modifier.

Vision Forum’s description of this film states:

This highly-controversial documentary will take viewers into the homes of several young women who have dared to defy today’s anti-family culture in pursuit of a biblical approach to daughterhood, using their in-between years to pioneer a new culture of strength and dignity, and to rebuild Western Civilization, starting with the culture of the home….. As the home goes, so often goes the church, and society at large. Learn along with Anna Sofia and Elizabeth, the fulfilling, exciting life of impact and accomplishment that young women can and should have. Discover the power of the family unit and a picture of the biblical home as the center of dominion work — a vibrant center of education, ministry, evangelism, culture, entrepreneurialism, and hospitality.

Certainly, this film represents great ideals, and many of them are vital to Christianity, representing core Christian principles. The film presents a vignette of the lives of several young women that either work for their fathers in their own place of business, volunteer or work from home to generate income to help support the vision of the father. What is more subtle is the reason why these young women are portrayed as shining examples of “Biblical womanhood” that is not directly and obviously stated in the film. The film doesn’t argue their point for the sole purpose of singing the glories of staying at home but as a positive support of their narrow, legalistic interpretation that this is the only acceptable “Biblical” standard for all unwed women.

In keeping with the patriocentric doctrines and practices taught by Vision Forum and the FICs, I think that a more appropriate name for the film would be “The Return to the Fathers,” because I found the focus of the film to be the glorified ideal of the father-daughter relationship. Brothers get a plug in the Extras section, but mothers barely appear on camera. After the focus on the first young woman and her family, there were few mothers on screen. I do specifically recall the mother of one of the girls appearing in the film, but only in portrait where she is shown embracing the girl’s father. If examining the content of the film, the focus is not on family or home, so the “Return of the Daughters” calls really for a return of daughters -- to return home to their father’s vision for them.

The Botkin girls stare hypnotically into the camera with come-hither gazes, and everyone else is interviewed in documentary style, looking away from the camera’s eye. There’s been discussion on some blogs about the disturbing nature of some of this technique, especially when some interviewed demonstrate some unnatural lack of eye movement. Some people are trained to control eye movement to conceal information about the truthfulness of their statements, although this might have been due to the use of a teleprompter. This is a great distraction in the film, especially in the Extras sections where Geoff Botkin and Doug Phillips explain the “Biblical Foundations” for the belief system that they advocate in the film. The Visionary Daughters website posted a clip of this section online, but it was coincindently removed after only a day.

My husband was quite incensed over some of the poorly chosen language used in a particular clip within the “Courtship and Marriage” section, also included in the Extras on the DVD. If anyone has an opportunity to watch it, I would like to hear feedback on that section specifically via private correspondence. My husband was actually offended by some of the just poorly worded commentary in that section. In fact, I think that it’s so disturbing, unless interpreted with previous knowledge of the subject of courtship and within the mindset of the Christian community that embraces the courtship model, I will not present the transcript of that section here. I interpreted that section with understanding of the intent of the speaker, but I have grave concerns that those outside of patriarchy’s influence would not be so kind in evaluating it.

Read some of the discussion HERE.

Making the Break from Your Parents

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About Covert Incest from “Silently Seduced” by Kenneth Adams. Exploring the dynamics of covert (emotional or non-sexual but gender-related) incest.

From pages 99 – 105:

The primary task for covert incest survivors is to separate from the opposite-sex parent. [Blog host note: It has been my task to separate from the same-sex parent, and the sexualized energy was actually limited punishment for being womanly.] 

The fact that so many covert incest survivors remain inappropriately bonded well into their adulthood suggests a tremendous struggle to let go. The separation will not be given. Real emancipation cannot be given. It must be taken. Emotional maturity cannot be realized until emancipation occurs. You cannot be an adult man or woman and hold onto Mommy or Daddy. For a marriage and a relationship to work, full access to your emotional and sexual energy is necessary. Even then, it's tough...[A] relationship cannot be fully functional when leftover sexual energy is tied to the opposite-sex parent...

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Remember that abandoned and hurt little child inside you has likely created a rich fantasy life about love, sex and romance as a way to cover your pain. If you continue to attempt to create adult relationships out of your fantasies, you will add to your sense of abandonment and chronic feelings of dissatisfaction. Keep working toward acceptance of the reality of yourself and your partner. You stand a much better chance at establishing a workable relationship. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your fantasies and illusions...

Set boundaries and make your personal needs a priority in your relationship. The fear of losing yourself in a relationship is usually founded in truth. The incestuous relationship teaches you to sacrifice your needs for the love of your partner. Though this is needed at times in all relationships, you may experience a loss of choice and do it chronically. The hope is that maybe finally your needs will be met. This doesn't work, and the seeds sown for deep resentment eventually help erode the relationship.

It's okay to do what's good for you and not be concerned with pleasing your partner all the time. Setting boundaries needs to be concrete, even though you fear it will displease your spouse. It is crucial that you begin to develop a tolerance for allowing your spouse to be angry or displeased with you. If not, you'll stay stuck in the incestuous pattern of trying to please in the hope of getting your needs met. At this juncture, it is no longer your parent betraying you – it is your own self-betrayal.

You're likely to feel guilty in these attempts. Your guilt is the result of being violated in the incestuous relationship. Allow yourself to be outraged over being burdened with so much guilt. Your sense of outrage helps you to set boundaries. Adults who grew up with dysfunctional parents who did not use them to gratify their own needs do not feel enormous guilt when they attempt to get their needs met.

Excerpts from

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Kenneth A. Adams "Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners ~ Understanding Covert Incest"

Health Communications, 1991

Case Study of a Daughter, Sexualized by Her Father

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From ”The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.

More about Marla:

Case History of the Sexualizing Parent

(Continuation of material presented in previous post.)

Excerpts from

pages 21 – 25

of Dr. Patricia Love's “The Emotional Incest Syndrome”:

...Marla, like many Chosen Children, makes a favorable first impression...The only visible sign of Marla's struggle is twenty pounds of excess weight that she alternately loses and regains... By most people's standards, Marla has been very successful in life... She is bright, competent, and vivacious. Yet I have seen her in anguish time and time again. I remember once in my office when she was overcome with self-loathing. Her lovely face became contorted, and she leaned forward with her head down, as if the internal struggle were cutting her in two. “Each day I try so hard to love myself, to care for myself, because at the core there is such self-hatred,” she sobbed. “I find it so hard to believe that I'm okay. I find it so hard to believe that I'm lovable.”

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In Marla's family, the conditions that foster emotional incest were evident in the first year of her parents' marriage. As soon as the glow of the honeymoon wore off, her mother and father lost interest in each other, and their relationship was limited to an occasional sexual encounter and whatever mundane interactions were required to run the household.

Unwittingly, each parent tried to find comfort and companionship by bonding with a child. Marla's mother turned to her first child, Derek. When Marla was born, her mother was too wrapped up with Derek to have much energy for a new baby, so Marla and her father had mutual needs: they both needed someone to belong to, to to bod with to be loved and to be loved by. By the time Marla was 2 years old, she was clearly “daddy's little girl.” Now Mother was allied with Son, and Father was allied with Daughter. Families that split up in this manner are quite common. As Lynn Hoffman writes in her book “Foundations of Family Therapy,” "A boy for you and a girl for me is not just some songwriter's fantasy."

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The bond between Marla and her father strengthened with each passing year. “My father absolutely adored me,” she said, “and took me everywhere he went.” ...When she was old enough to go to school, he picked her up at school every afternoon and took her to the [tennis] club where where he tutored her... Her father was totally devoted to her, and her mother was physically and verbally abusive. “When I was with my father,” Marla told me, “I felt like Cinderella at the ball. When I was with my mother, I felt like an orphan in rags.” ...Marla saw nothing wrong with this arrangement. In fact, she said, “I loved it! My father called me his 'pretty baby.' He let me sit in his lap and he would hug and kiss me. I thought he was wonderful!”

In many families, emotional incest becomes a vicious cycle. This was true in Marla's case. The more attention she received from her father, the more her mother resented her. The more violently her mother expressed resentment, the more Marla was drawn to her father. Soon she and her father were so entwined that Marla had little time, opportunity, or desire to play with friends. After all, what playmate can compare with a doting, sophisticated, powerful adult? Her father took her out to expensive meals and bought her beautiful clothes; he even had a tennis court installed in the backyard so she could improve her game! What girlfriend could compete with that?

...While they were on the road [tennis tournaments], the went to a lot of parties. “I would be my father's 'date,'” she told me. “I would get all dressed up, and we would dance together. He would show me off to his friend and brag about how beautiful I was. It was all very romantic.”

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When Marla and her father returned to their motel room, they would sleep in the same bed. “My father never sexually abused me,” she told me, “he just held me close. I would fall asleep with his arms wrapped around me.”

Like many over involved parents, Marla's father did not set appropriate limits for her. More a friend than a parent, he made no attempts to discipline her. Further, he exposed her to experiences far beyond her years... “I thought I was hot stuff,” she said. “I thought I could handle everything. I pitied children my age because they seemed so young and silly.”

Marla's blithe acceptance of her father's behavior deserves a closer look. While her mother was undoubtedly outraged by his drinking and his irresponsible nature, Marla took it all in stride. She accepted her father for who he was; she made no demands. This is a key difference between a child and an adult: a child is often blind to a parent's faults. With little outside reference, the child simply accepts what is given. A spouse, on the other hand, is likely to have a long list of demands and expectations... A child, on the other hand, will settle for an indulgent, adoring companion.

At 17, Marla had grown into a beautiful young woman and began attracting the attention of boys her own age. Her father, acting more like a jealous lover than a father, did not allow her to date. No boy was good enough for his daughter... “From my senior year in high school until I got involved in therapy,” she said” my drug of choice was a man. Nothing ever made me feel as good as Daddy, so I kept looking for more of the same. But the trouble was that no one could ever measure up to him. I kept going from one man to another, searching for the same high I felt as a little girl when my father seemed so powerful and so much larger than life.” Not surprisingly, many of her alliances were with older men. When she was 21, for example, she dated a man who was 45. It seemed perfectly natural to her. “Older men had more money and power, just like Daddy.”

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As a child, Marla saw her father as a hero. As an adult, and after many years of therapy, her childhood myopia was shattered... “He could be so cruel to people, and he was incredibly self-centered. He acted as if the whole world revolved around him. Anything that got in his way, he destroyed. Although he said wonderful things to me and held me and kissed me and was utterly devoted to me, he didn't protect me. And he didn't allow me to be me – whoever that was. I may never find out. I had to be who he wanted me to be. His champion tennis player. His “pretty baby.”

Excerpt from
Dr. Patricia Love's The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent's Love Rule's Your Life Bantam Books, 1990