Blame Game

From Harriet Lerner in

“The Dance of Anger”:

This is the who-started-it game – the search for a beginning of a sequence, where the aim is to proclaim which person is to blame for the behavior of both.

But we know that this interaction is really a circular dance in which the behavior of one partner maintains and provokes the behavior of the other.

The circular dance has no beginning and no end. In the final analysis, it matters little who started it. The question of greater significance is: “How do we break out of it?”

(pg. 56).

Jesus Was Angry

Guest Entry written by Adele Hebert

“Is it right for you to be angry?” God asked Jonah (4:4). Is it right for a Christian to be angry? Anger, if not controlled, is a very dangerous emotion and can lead to murder.

The first person to be angry in the Old Testament (Gen 4:5), “Cain was very angry and downcast.” God had accepted his brother’s sacrifice but not his. What did he do with his anger? “Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him.”

The first person to be angry in the New Testament (Mt 2:17), “Herod was furious on realising that he had been fooled by the wise men.” What did he do with his anger? “In Bethlehem and its surrounding district he had all the male children killed who were two years old or less.”

Although we were told to love one another and to forgive our enemies, Jesus was often quite angry. Jesus got very frustrated with his disciples Mt 17:17, “Faithless and perverse generation! How much longer must I be with you? How much longer must I put up with you?” Jesus had righteous indignation at the sellers in the temple Jn 2:15,16, “Making a whip out of cord, he drove them all out of the Temple, sheep and cattle as well, scattered the money changers' coins, knocked their tables over and said to the dove sellers, 'Take all this out of here and stop using my Father's house as a market.” Mostly, Jesus was angry at the Pharisees Mk 3:1, “Then he looked angrily round at them, grieved to find them so obstinate, and said to the man, 'Stretch out your hand. '”

Amazingly, Jesus never got angry with the women. There were 5 women who Jesus corrected; they were definitely not rebuked as some commentators / preachers have alleged. Jesus only rebuked the wind, sea, demons, unclean spirits, fever and men.

Jesus was more severe with his male disciples than anyone else: he rebuked Peter, calling him Satan Mt 16:23; he rebuked James and John for wanting to call down fire from heaven to burn up the Samaritan village Lk 9:55; and he rebuked the Eleven male disciples for not believing the women’s testimony Mk 16:14; but Jesus never rebuked women.

Let us examine the verses pertaining to women. Notice how Jesus leads them ever so gently, no names, and no harsh critical words. In fact, Jesus always uplifts them, guarding their honor, hearing them, blessing them.

Lk 2:48,49, “They were overcome when they saw him, and his mother said to him, 'My child, why have you done this to us? See how worried your father and I have been, looking for you.' He replied, 'Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?'”

Lk 11:27,28, “It happened that as he was speaking, a woman in the crowd raised her voice and said, 'Blessed the womb that bore you and the breasts that fed you!' But he replied, 'More blessed still are those who hear the word of God and keep it!'”

Jn 2:3-5, “And they ran out of wine, since the wine provided for the feast had all been used, and the mother of Jesus said to him, 'They have no wine.' Jesus said, 'Woman, what do you want from me? My hour has not come yet.' His mother said to the servants, 'Do whatever he tells you… tasted the water, and it had turned into wine.'”

Lk 10:41,42, “But the Lord answered, 'Martha, Martha,' he said, 'you worry and fret about so many things, and yet few are needed, indeed only one. It is Mary who has chosen the better part, and it is not to be taken from her.'”

Mt 15:24-28, “He said in reply, 'I was sent only to the lost sheep of the House of Israel.' But the woman had come up and was bowing low before him. 'Lord,' she said, 'help me.' He replied, 'It is not fair to take the children's food and throw it to little dogs.' She retorted, 'Ah yes, Lord; but even little dogs eat the scraps that fall from their masters' table.' Then Jesus answered her, 'Woman, you have great faith. Let your desire be granted.' And from that moment her daughter was well again.”

Also,

Mk 11:27-29, “And he said to her, 'The children should be fed first, because it is not fair to take the children's food and throw it to little dogs.' But she spoke up, 'Ah yes, sir,' she replied, 'but little dogs under the table eat the scraps from the children.' And he said to her, 'For saying this you may go home happy; the devil has gone out of your daughter.'”

Lk 11:39, “Jesus said, 'Take the stone away.' Martha, the dead man's sister, said to him, 'Lord, by now he will smell; this is the fourth day since he died.' Jesus replied, 'Have I not told you that if you believe you will see the glory of God?'”

Jn 20:17, “Jesus said to her, 'Do not cling to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to the brothers, and tell them: I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'”

No matter how often and to what degree Jesus was angry, he never sinned; he was always in complete control. Anger only becomes a problem when it is not controlled, when is it not directed at the right cause, and when it is not appropriate. Jesus was angry as an expression of his zealous, holy devotion to God. His righteous anger had nothing to do with himself; it was always on account of others sinfulness or their lack of faith, both of which affected those around them, and those wanting to get into the kingdom of God. His reaction was also directed only at those he was angry at; he never took it out on anyone else; and his actions were also appropriate to the cause. Most importantly, Jesus’s anger was exclusively motivated by love, even to forgiving those who crucified him from his dying breath.

Jesus made it very clear that we were not to judge others; not even to call someone a fool, Mt 5:22, because names are destructive, demeaning, and abusive. A little further Jesus explains why, Mt 7:3 says, “Hypocrite! Take the log out of your own eye first, and then you will see clearly enough to take the splinter out of your brother's eye.” Jesus was able to expose the Pharisees, Mt 23:17, calling them “Fools and blind!” because he was perfect. As long as you are without sin, you can cast stones.

Now, we will consider all the verses where Jesus is angry.

To whom	Why	What He called them, what He did
Matthew
8:26 Peter	storm	little faith
9:25 people	ridiculed him	turned them out
12:34 Pharisees	'chief of devils'	Brood of vipers
12:39 Pharisees	Sign	Evil, adulterous generation
14:31 Peter	Sinking	Little faith
15:7 Pharisees/scribes	Washing hands	Hypocrites
16:4 Pharisees/ Sadducees	Sign	Evil, unfaithful generation
16:8,9 disciples boat	Yeast	Little faith
16:23 Peter	Rebuked Jesus	Satan
17:17 disciples	Could not cure	Perverse generation
19:8 Pharisees	Divorce	Hard hearted
21:12,13 money changers	Bandit's den	Whip, upset tables, drove
22:18 Pharisee's disciples	Taxes	Hypocrites
23:3 crowds, Pharisees	Do not practice	Vain, hypocrites
23:13-37 scribes/ Pharisees	Shut up kingdom	Hypocrites
	Travel to evangelize	Hypocrites
	Swear by altar	Blind guides
	Swear by gold	Fools and blind
	Swear by both	Blind men
	Pay tithe	Hypocrites
	Straining gnats	Blind guides
	Clean outside of cup	Blind guides
	Leave inside full	Hypocrites
	Inside full corruption	whitewashed tombs
	Look upright	Full of lawlessness, hypocrisy
	Build sepulchres	Hypocrites
	Say you would never	Children of murders
	Escape hell	Serpents, brood of vipers
	You shed blood	Murders, kill prophets
Mark
3:5 Pharisees	Heal on Sabbath	Grieved, obstinate, angry
4:40 disciples	Storm	No faith
5:40 people	Ridiculed him	Turned them out
7:6 Pharisees/scribes	Washing hands	Hypocrites
7:17 disciples	Questioned him	Non understanding
8:18 disciples	Yeast	Minds closed
8:21 disciples	Do not remember	Still do not realize
8:33 Peter	Rebuked Jesus	Satan
9:19 disciples	Couldn't heal	Faithless generation
11:15 sellers	Bandit's den	Drove out, upset tables
12:15 Pharisees/ Herodians	Taxes	Hypocrites
12:24 Sadducees	Whose wife	Doesn't understand scripture
12:27 Sadducees	Rising again	Very much mistaken
12:38 Pharisees	Rob widow's houses	Thieves, hypocrites
16:14 Eleven	Refused to believe women	Incredulity, obstancy
Luke
6:42 people	On judging	Hypocrites
8:25 disciples	Storm	No faith
9:41 disciples	Couldn't heal	Perverse generation
9:55 James, John	Wanted to call fire	Rebuked
11:29 crowds	Sign	Evil generation
11:39 Pharisees	Wash cup	Extortion, wickedness
11:40 Pharisees	Wash cup	Fools
11:42 Pharisees	Tithe	No justice, love of God
11:44 Pharisees	Seats of honour	Unmarked tombs
11:46 lawyers	Load burdens	Unendurable, do not touch
11:48 lawyers	Build tombs	Witness, approve killing
11:50 lawyers	Send prophets	Blood of Abel, Zechariah
11:52 lawyers	Take away knowledge	Prevent from going in
12:1 Pharisees	Yeast	Hypocrisy
12:28 disciples	Worry	So little faith
12:56 crowd	Signs	Hypocrites
13:15 ruler synagogue	Healed on Sabbath	Hypocrites
13:32 Herod	Means to kill you	Fox
12:34 Jerusalem	Refused God	Kill prophets
16:14 Pharisees	Upright	Loathesome for God
18:9 people	Prided themselves	Not justified
18:14 people	High opinions	humbled

The Fourth Gospel does not reveal an angry Jesus, although Judas is described indirectly twice.

To whom	Why	What He called them, what He did
John
6:70 one disciple	Jesus chose	devil
12:6 Judas	Not care about poor	thief

Compare the amount of times Jesus got angry, and to whom, in the 3 synoptic gospels:

Number of Times Jesus Got Angry
	Matthew	Mark	Luke
Peter	3	1	-
People	2	1	6
Sellers	1	1	-
Disciples	2	6	4
Pharisees	21	5	12

Clearly, Jesus was not afraid, was even justified in calling the religious leaders names; he continuously exposed their wicked traditions, their motives, and their sins. No one knows what Jesus wrote on the ground in Jn 8:6, but all those men left, from the oldest to the youngest; and since he knew their hearts, he revealed enough to make them all leave.

Jesus got very angry with the religious leaders because they were keeping the people from the truth of God, Mt 23:13,14. The Pharisees were always trying to trap Jesus but he, in turn, exposed their evil, “these are the men who take advantage of widows and rob them of their homes,” Mk 12:40. Two verses later Jesus points to “the widow with two little copper coins, worth about a penny.” He was not praising her, he was admonishing the men for her poverty! She was a widow and women were not allowed to own property. Not only did she lose her husband but now her property was taken away from her as well. That is why it was so vital for women to have at least one son. Because the Pharisees were the only ones who could study the law and teach it; the people were at their mercy for legal matters and instruction, plus the rulers made many extra laws which the people could not keep. The ones who would have been affected the most were the women, since they could not study the scriptures themselves and they had no rights, no voice; that is why Jesus made sure Mary of Bethany stayed at his feet.

The most important message Jesus was telling us:

Righteous anger is good; it motivates us to do what is right;

Personal anger is bad; it motivates us to do what is wrong (sin).

The most significant finding in this study was that Jesus was never angry with the women; they were not his enemies; they followed him; they supported him financially; they had great faith; they listened; they worshipped him in truth; they loved Jesus.

Want to read more by Adele Hebert?

Link HERE

Basic Garden Variety Dysfunction vs Dysfunctional Religion

Excerpts from
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves"
by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.



From pages 32 - 33:


Let’s recognize, then, that we are talking about a problem with a range of expressions. Some of us will consider ourselves products of.... “you basic, everyday, garden-variety dysfunctional family.” We recognize that our parents had their flaws and our family its weaknesses, but we have never felt that our adult lives have been negatively affected by them in a major way...

Still others will be unsure at this point. You may never have heard the phrase “dysfunctional family” before, let alone understand what it means or how it may apply to you.

All you know is that
“something’s not right”
in your life.

It may be anything from a lingering depression, to a problem with anger, to bouts of extreme anxiety, to inexplicable difficulties trusting others and getting close to them in relationships. You may have tried a number of things to deal with your problem, with varying degrees of success. You may be a deeply religious person whose commitment to spiritual truth has provided a great deal of comfort – but still you find yourself groping for the key to some personal difficulties that continues to elude you. If you place yourself in this category, we urge you to read this book carefully. It may well mark the beginning of an exciting time of self-discovery and growth for you.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

Anger as a Virtue: The Apostle Paul

Excerpts from "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves" by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.



From pages 226 - 228:

Paul also wrote some helpful things about anger. Much of the content of his letters in the New Testament has to do with wisdom for daily living. In a letter to the church at Ephesus, he is making the point that all Christians belong, in some sense, to one people. He then goes on to give practiced advice on how to live together as part of a united family, including: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ‘In your anger, do not sin’: Do not let the son go down while you are still angry...” (Ephesians 4:25-27).

Notice the line, “In your anger, do not sin.” That line can also be translated, “Be angry, and do not sin.” Paul seems to be saying –

that there is a difference between “anger” and “sin”;
that it is possible to be angry without sinning;
that there are times when it is actually right for us to be angry, so long as we do not sin in doing so;
some anger can be sinful.

The line, “In your anger, do not sin,” is actually a quotation from the Psalms: “In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent” (Psalm 4:4).

The image of lying on our beds at night, quietly searching our hearts, helps to give meaning to Paul’s warning: “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” On the one hand, we can take this literally. Paul warns that anger is a destructive force, both in terms of our own spiritual health and in terms of our relationships, and we should make dealing with it a priority. If possible, we should try to clear up whatever is standing between us and the person we are angry with...

That helps us grasp another, somewhat more figurative, understanding of Paul’s words. We can hear him saying, “Do not let your anger go into the darkness – into that place where you cannot see it, or feel it, or even acknowledge its existence.” We have already seen how harmful it can be to repress our feelings; anger can be one of the most harmful feelings to repress. It is like an acid that eats away at us from the inside.

Anger that is left unresolved, or that is buried in the darkness of denial, takes root and produces bitterness and resentment. The longer we postpone dealing with anger, the more bitterness and resentment it engenders, and the harder it becomes for us to get in touch with its existence and purge it from our hearts. Once we are aware that we are angry, we know immediately that we must at least begin the process of forgiveness, and keep our anger in the daylight where we can deal with it.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop and Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

Thoughts About Anger

Quotes about ANGER from Dr. David Stoop, noted in "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves":


John Bradshaw in “Healing The Shame that Binds You”:

"Perhaps the most damaging consequence of being shame-based is that we don’t know how depressed and angry we really are. We don’t actually feel our unresolved grief. Our false self and ego defenses keep us from experiencing it. Paradoxically, the very defenses which allowed us to survive our childhood trauma have now become barriers to our growth."

(pg. 137)


Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden in “Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics”:

"As adult children become increasingly aware of having been cheated out of their childhood, a wave of anger is likely to ensue. The adult child may want to be forgiving, but will still feel angry. Sometimes the anger is directed not at the alcoholic, but at the sober parent – the parent who seemingly should have known better and should have protected the child."

(pg. 31)
.
.

Four Ways We Can Handle Anger

Excerpts from "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves" by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.


From page 240:

Four Basic Responses
to an Anger Reaction

1. We can repress the emotion.
Watch out! Repressed emotions create pressure that will eventually result in an explosion.

2. We can vent our anger.
“Don’t delay. Don’t hold back. Be ‘authentic’ with your feelings ” Following such advice can provide momentary relief, but it eventually ruins relationships and undermines our own health.

3. We can feel our anger but decide not to express it right away.
Often it pays to “count to ten.” This strategy gives us the space to respond rather than react.

4. We can learn to confess our anger to someone we trust.
The goal is to understand our feelings so that we can decide how best to respond to them.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

.

Recognizing Anger: Essential for Forgiveness?

Excerpts from "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves" by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.

From pages 223 - 225:

Would you agree or disagree with the following statements?

• Without anger, most forgiveness is superficial.
• Genuine forgiveness almost always includes anger.

Long experience helping people deal with dysfunctional family issues lead us to agree with those statements. However, many people are bothered by them. They tend to have a certain amount of mistrust concerning anger, and are especially uncomfortable connecting it with something like forgiveness. But the fact that anger and forgiveness tend to be intimately connected. In most cases, we cannot really forgive until we have dealt with our anger. To put it another way, working through anger is often a crucial step in the process of forgiveness.

A lot of confusing ideas circulate about anger. Many of us were brought up to believe that all anger is wrong, even sinful. But anger is a fact of life. It happens to us. We experience it. What do we do then? Many of us play word games with it. We say we are “a little irritated,” or “out of sorts,” or “a bit upset.” We go to great lengths to avoid coming right out and saying, “I’m just plain mad.”

But the fact is, we often are just plain mad – and there is not necessarily anything wrong with that. The emotion of anger, in and of itself, is not wrong. Let me say again, to make sure you get it: the emotion of anger, in and of itself, is not wrong. It just is. It is part of the “standard equipment” that comes with being a human being. It is what we do with our anger that makes it either right or wrong, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy.

We can use our anger wrongly, or express it in unhealthy ways. A simple example is when we “fly off the handle” at someone we love without good cause. Unhealthy anger separates us from people we love and want to be with.

But we can also use our anger for healthy purposes. For example, anger can energize us to overcome some challenge or obstacle. Who among us has not had the experience of “getting good and mad” at some stubborn problem, and finding that the energy produced by the anger gets us over the hump?

Anger can also alert us to the need to set boundaries, or limits, with other people. It is one of the ways we protect ourselves.

~~~~~

Lewis B. Smeades in “Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve”:

Healthy anger drives us to do something to change what makes us angry; anger can energize us to make things better. Hate does not want to change things for the better: it wants to make things worse. (pg. 21)

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)