Basic Garden Variety Dysfunction vs Dysfunctional Religion

Excerpts from
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves"
by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.



From pages 32 - 33:


Let’s recognize, then, that we are talking about a problem with a range of expressions. Some of us will consider ourselves products of.... “you basic, everyday, garden-variety dysfunctional family.” We recognize that our parents had their flaws and our family its weaknesses, but we have never felt that our adult lives have been negatively affected by them in a major way...

Still others will be unsure at this point. You may never have heard the phrase “dysfunctional family” before, let alone understand what it means or how it may apply to you.

All you know is that
“something’s not right”
in your life.

It may be anything from a lingering depression, to a problem with anger, to bouts of extreme anxiety, to inexplicable difficulties trusting others and getting close to them in relationships. You may have tried a number of things to deal with your problem, with varying degrees of success. You may be a deeply religious person whose commitment to spiritual truth has provided a great deal of comfort – but still you find yourself groping for the key to some personal difficulties that continues to elude you. If you place yourself in this category, we urge you to read this book carefully. It may well mark the beginning of an exciting time of self-discovery and growth for you.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

The Hidden Messages Sent to Children in Familes Affected by Covert/Emotional Incest

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From “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.

From page 44:

Hidden Messages that Lead to Perfectionism

• “You've never caused me a minute's trouble.”

Translation: “Don't rock the boat. If you want something different than what I want to give you, too bad. You can want only what I want you to have. Repress the rest of your needs.

• “You've always been an easygoing child.”

Translation: “Be happy. Be pleasant. Don't feel your anger, sorrow or pain.”

• “You're the only one who truly understands me.”

Translation: “I would be totally alone in the world if it weren't for you. Therefore, you must sacrifice yourself to be here for me. My needs are what count. Helping me is what's important. If you have needs that conflict with mine, I don't want to know about it.”

• “You are such a special child.”

Translation: “Be like I want you to be. I have hidden needs that I want you to satisfy.”

• “Of all my children, I expect the most out of you.”

Translation: “I've selected you to be the one to make my life worth living. All my unfulfilled desires rest on your shoulders. Give up your playfulness. Sacrifice your own view of the world. Cooperate with the unspoken agenda.”

Excerpt from
Dr. Patricia Love's The Emotional Incest Syndrome:
What to Do When a Parent's Love Rule's Your Life
Bantam Books, 1990