Fathers, Weddings and the Sexualization of Daughters in the Family Integrated Church

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“My Daddy bought my

honeymoon nightgown,

so it's okay to be intimate

with my new husband.”

???????????

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The following is a post from the "thatmom: real encouragement for real homeschooling moms" blog. It followed after a long discussion of enmeshment and inappropriate fixations on gender within the patriarchy movement. It is nearly all the way at the bottom of the thread entitled: The Great Divide: Patriocentrists on One Side, Thinking Women on the Other.

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The blog does not allow linking to specific comments, but at this time, this comment appears at the very end of the list of comments on this thread. I draw attention to it because it sounds very much like the passage that I quoted from Adams in the previous post discussing "Daddy's Little Girl."

Thanks to "Anne2" who was so kind to find this for me, pointing it out to me on the True Womanhood website. It is another example of "covert" or non-sexual but gender related incest between a father and daughter in the "Family Integrated Church" movement.

Anne wrote @ June 2, 2008 at 5:25 pm:

...About 15 years ago I was at a wedding with patrios leanings. I felt embarrassed when during the ceremony the father made a big deal about how his daughter was a virgin and blah, blah, blah. She was a blushing bride, for all the wrong reasons.

In the previous week the bride’s mother had pulled out some lingerie to show me, that the father gave the daughter. It had been purchased by the father and was a gift for the wedding night. I remember thinking, “How tacky is this?” The mother then said, “you know, it shows that her father, thinks this is ok, that she can have sex with her new husband.” I just got the willies and thought where the heck was this family’s sense of propriety?

I have the same assessment when viewing you tube videos of patriarch weddings and reading some of the vows some have taken, and their constant display of look at us doing this here biblical stuff.

It becomes a display of poor taste and bad manners with their incessant pushing of this new righteousness. Interestingly, in their desire to be seen as so biblical, they fall into appearing to have as bad as taste as the ungodly. At this same girl’s bridal shower, an unsaved woman gave her a teapot. The woman then shouted, “Open the pot, open the pot!” Upon which the bride-to-be pulled out a pair of lacy panties, another woman then reached for them and slingshot them through the air into the room full of besmirched and hysterical women.

Who is tackier?

And who says these guys have the market cornered on how to be a “biblical” family or “biblical” anything for that matter?

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Anne adds to this on True Womanhood after I inquired about whether anyone remembered where I could find the post:

I also want to add not only did the father of the bride go on and on about his daughter being a virgin and how the couple had never kissed, the pastor who took the wedding, also belaboured the point in his wedding charge. To date, it has been the most embarrassing public event I have ever witnessed. At the reception the bride’s parents got up in front of everyone and embarrassed her again when dad literally swept his wife off her feet bent over backwards kissing, while someone shouted, “Show ‘em how it’s done!” Poor girl.

Daddy's Little Girl: Covert Incest and Inappropriate Intimacy

Tears" photo by Crimfants on Flickr.com

From “Silently Seduced” by Kenneth Adams. Exploring the dynamics of covert (emotional or non-sexual but gender-related) incest.

From pages 50 – 52:

Rebecca had been her family's princess. On the outside, she seemed to have it all. She was indulged by her parents and seldom held accountable for any misbehavior. Rebecca frequently received special privileges and rarely wanted for anything. Her siblings hated her, and her friends were envious. It was difficult to imagine that a child treated as so special could have been so deeply injured. She was adored by her father. As she described the specialness her father felt toward her, the emotional damage she endured became clearer. Rebecca's father treated her more like his mistress than his daughter.

As Rebecca began to recount her father's relationship to her, the “ickiness” of this seduction became evident to her. Though she had never been sexually touched in an overt way by him, Rebecca squirmed in her seat as if to get her father off her. She grimaced and exclaimed,

My dad actually bought me sexy underwear. I can't believe it. I forgot all about that. I felt a little funny at the time, but he always said I was his “princess” and deserved the best. So I didn't think much more of it. Besides part of me liked being treated so special. When I started developing breasts, my dad would look at me with a big smile and proclaim, “You are becoming a woman.” At that point, he started taking me out shopping and buying whatever I wanted. I'd come out of the dressing room with my new clothes on to get his approval. That felt funny, too, but I didn't think much about it since I really loved being so special.

I've always been my dad's favorite. He paid lots of attention to me at home and wanted to know all about my day. I was adored by him and I knew it. I began to expect that from everyone in my life, especially men. He even talked about boys to me, telling me I should find a man who would love me like he did.

Even as an adult, he continues to adore me. I almost seem more special to him than my mother. Last week when I was at their house, my dad wanted to go into the family pool for a swim, just the two of us. It felt kind of icky, but he said that he just wanted some time alone with “his doll.” That night when I got back home, I binged on food. The next morning I starved myself and exercised until I pulled a muscle. Throughout my life, overeating has been an off-and-on pattern. Sometimes I used to vomit or take laxatives as a way not to become overweight. I've stopped that, but now I'm into compulsive exercising and dieting.

Rebecca's eating disorder was another consequence of the sexually charged relationship her father had with her. Although she suppressed the memory of her father's seduction, her body continued to carry the feelings and sensations of the trauma. Her eating disorder masked her body's attempt to bring to consciousness the awareness of the injury. The preoccupation with food and weight helped keep the the reality hidden. Compulsive overeating, binging and purging oneself (vomiting, exercising or laxatives) or starving oneself are eating disorder patterns common to victims of covert incest as well as overt incest.

[Blog host note: Self-injury is also very common, but was not when this book was written. Excessive numbers of body piercings and tatoos also can also be considered an presumptive factor in the presence of the signs of other emotional and/or clinical issues associated with incest (covert or overt). I was also taught while studying hypnotherapy that obesity and sex issues correlate very closely. Anyone seeking help with weight control should consider investigating sexual cause in hypnotherapy. Van der Kolk, a psychiatrist with expertise in trauma, brain imaging and pharmacology, teaches that “the body keeps score” and felt sense is a strong component of trauma and is felt by the body as well as remembered by the mind. The two are strongly intertwined. In a sense, if the mind ignores the trauma, the body still tries to heal itself through ineffectively playing out the trauma.]

The energy spent focused on food and weight leaves no room for the body to heal. As Rebecca began to validate her inner reality of being a covert incest victim, the compulsion to overeat slowly subsided. She also needed the support of Overeaters Anonymous to help her overcome her complusion.

It was crucial that Rebecca directly address both the compulsive eating pattern and the root cause of the compulsion. There is an unwritten rule expressed from time to time by members of Anonymous programs: Understanding the reason behind the addiction is not important. One is sometimes encouraged to use the support and philosophy of the Anonymous program and forget the “why.” Though there is some merit to this belief in the early part of recovery (stopping the compulsive behavior and making one's life more manageable), it actually is a hindrance to ongoing recovery (peace of mind, comfortableness with one's own body and self, and emotionally fulfilled and functional relationships with others). It has been my experience that those people who give in regularly to their addiction (be it food, sex or gambling) are the ones who remain in denial about the root injury that opened the way to the addiction in the first place.

The preoccupied relationship Rebecca's father bestowed upon her was motivated out of his needs, not hers. Rebecca was seduced into a sexualized, idealized relationship with her father, believing his special attention was all she needed. Simultaneously, she felt emotionally abandoned. Her legitimate needs for love, belonging and separateness were never met. Being adored and admired were her only clues to the mystery of what it would finally take to fill up the restless, empty space that lay in her soul.