For Christmas - from a previous post

Excerpts from a previous post to ponder.

This section appears in Alice Miller's “The Truth Will Set You Free” in the epilogue entitled “From Ignorance To Knowledge and Compassion.”  (In my edition, this section appears starting on page 190 and concludes with a section appearing on page 195.)  The book speaks of “generational faithfulness” as old patterns of dysfunction, of how parents unknowingly use their children to medicate their old pains of the past.  The whole chapter speaks respectfully of the Bible, but it draws into question the traditions of men. 

The figure of Jesus confounds all those principles of poisonous pedagogy…  Long before his birth Jesus received the greatest reverence, love and protection from his parents…  His earthly parents saw themselves as his servants… Would it not make eminent sense to encourage believers to follow the example of Mary and Joseph and regard their children as the children of God (which in a sense they are)?

[T]he members of the upcoming generations will have the courage to call evil by its name…It is high time to relinquish the destructive models and to mistrust the principle of obedience.  We have no need of docile children brainwashed by their upbringing to be ideal targets of seduction by terrorists and lunatic ideologists, ready to fall in with their commands even to the extent of killing others.  Children given the respect they deserve from their earliest years will go through life with open eyes and ears, prepared to fight injustice, stupidity, and ignorance with arguments and constructive action.  Jesus did this at the age of twelve, and the scene in the temple (Luke 2:41-52) demonstrates eloquently that, if need be, he could refuse the obedience his parents asked of him without hurting their feelings.

With the best will in the world we cannot truly emulate the example of Jesus.  None of us were carried by our mothers as the child of God; indeed, for far too many parents, children are merely a burden.  What we can do, provided we really want to, is learn from the attitude displayed by Joseph and Mary.  They did not demand docility from their son, and they felt no urge to inflict violence on him.  Only if we fear the confrontation with our own histories will we need to have power over others and cling to it with all our might.  And if we do that it is because we feel too weak to be true to ourselves and our own feelings.  But being honest to our children will make us strong.  In order to tell the truth we do not need to have power over others.  Power is something we only need in order to spread lies and hypocrisy, to mouth empty words and pretend they are true.

Turning Off the Gas of Gaslighting

As mentioned in the previous post, a person must change their response to manipulation in order to disable it.  Gaslighters are manipulators who use a particular tactic to get what they want. Manipulators do what they do because their tactics work, and it generally involves little effort on their part. By stopping the cycle of giving a manipulator the response that they desire, a person can break the system. 

This will not happen overnight, and it generally takes a great deal of consistency and practice. If you're the person who has decided to stop giving into manipulation, remember that as you take on the challenge of teaching your manipulator the new system, you are also learning new skills yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself, but don't give into the manipulation. You can learn to “turn off the gas” if you are willing to walk away from the manipulator to be free. That doesn't happen overnight.

Also remember that emotional growth and healing is never "linear."  It may seem like you have as many setbacks as you will successes, and often it seems as though you are taking steps backward. Remember that this is the nature of emotional healing and growth.  Remind yourself that this is how progress comes about.

Refer to the helpful hints and reminders about how to engage a manipulator. Be assertive, focusing on “I statements,” explaining how you feel, what you hope to accomplish, and what need. “You statements” tend to aggravate conflict and can imply that you know how he other party feels. By remaining focuses on your feelings and needs, you are better able to exercise self-control. 

Focus on what you will tolerate and decide that in advance of gentle confrontation. Define your boundaries, and remember that a boundary that you do not defend is not a boundary but merely an idea. Remember that you are the only factor that you control in the situation. Focus your attention on self-control. You may even wish to practice stating your boundary on a particular matter to return to it as a measure of defending it. You've got to teach your manipulator that you've established a new boundary, and they will need time to absorb the new information. Practice repeating your “bottom line” requirements.

It is usually a good idea to evaluate your own hot buttons and those of your manipulator in advance. Avoid them! :) And remember that there is no struggle for power if you do not contribute to the struggle. Opt out by sticking by your own boundaries and limits to disarm a struggle. Try to avoid the discussion of who is right and who is wrong and the details of the particulars, because this just fosters the competition, one that has no resolution. A manipulator in deep denial generally will not be swayed by objective facts, though this may be very hard to comprehend and accept. Focus on communicating how you feel and how you are affected when your perceptions are challenged. If the other party dose not respect you and how you are affected by their behavior, walk away from the conflict.

Consider the ideas about confronting a narcissist (by avoiding direct confrontation) and the posts about resisting influence and manipulation from the Under Much Grace site. They are archived HERE, and pay special attention to George Simon's list about “Tactics of Manipulation.”

Why People Tolerate Gaslighting

Before a person can disarm a gaslighter and resist the repetitive cycle, they must prepare for the challenge by examining the dynamics that hold them in the relationship.


*Essentially, that gaslighter has a driving need to be right, and the person who stays with them has a driving need to be accepted by the gaslighter.*

As it is highly unlikely that the manipulative party will magically give up their obsession and need to be right, it falls to the manipulated to disengage from their desire to gain acceptance. That is more easily said than done, and I continue to recommend Harriet Braiker's book, Who's Pulling Your Strings, as an excellent source and one of the best teachers to help those with these types of struggles.

Those who are regularly manipulated by a gaslighter must search their heart and soul to discover the reasons why they tolerate the behavior. Sometimes, people just do so out of habit and a desire to maintain an illusion of peace. It may not worth disturbing the system and inciting the wrath of the manipulator, or the the person may lack the time and energy required to confront the situation.
For the adult children who were raised under the rules and requirements of a religious system that employs gaslighting within the family, the common fear of abandonment that people outside of the system tend to feel to feel becomes magnified.

The consequences of non-compliance affect not only that person's status with the family, it also results in God's abandonment and God's punishment for rejecting the "divine umbrella of protection" allegedly provided by parental authority. Under this system of belief, the manipulative, gaslighting parent holds that adult hostage by threatening their relationship with God. In many situations where gaslighting is employed as a manipulative tactic, people can be unwilling to leave the relationship because of the threat of violence. In patriarchy, that threat is divine, one that is built right into the theology.

Many people remain in abusive relationships because they lack the resources to leave and provide their own support. This problem affects the quivering daughters of patriarchy who have been denied training outside of the home. If they were raised in a “Character First” homeschooling situation that turned out to be “character only” with weak academic training, they may have very limited vocational training options and opportunities. Mothers of large families may not be able to find an alternate home if they leave the family and take their children with them.

And many people will remain in a relationship because they are unwilling to abandon the fantasy that they have about how great and rewarding the relationship seems to them. I often hear people who are unfamiliar with patriarchy and the difficulties faced by women within the system ask why the women just don't pack up and leave. It's not that simple in terms of financial support, but it is often harder to give up the dream of what you would like that relationship to be. People tend to believe that if they have enough faith and can just get into a better place in the relationship, one day it will work. It is the carrot of hope that is dangled before the horse. It can also be humiliating to leave the relationship, because leaving seems like complete failure.

Ultimately, so long as a person needs the approval and acceptance or the benefits of the relationship with the person who uses gaslighting against them, and if they are unwilling to relinquish what they derive from the relationship, the dynamics will persist. By developing an internal locus of control, one can get free of the need for the approval of manipulators and their tactics.

Check back for one more post on the topic of gaslighting.

Signs That You Might Be Subject to Gaslighting

 

Adapted for the daughters of patriarchy from

The Gaslight Effect:

How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations

Other People Use to Control Your Life 

by Dr. Robin Stern

Do you feel that something is very wrong, but you just don't know what is going on?  Do you feel like you should not have any cause for concern, but you still feel sad, hopeless, joyless, confused, or numb?

Do you find yourself second guessing yourself, lacking confidence, or always apologizing?  Do you frequently ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?"  Do you withhold information to avoid conflict?  Do you feel like you're "bad" if you voice concerns?

Do you wonder whether you are "good enough," or fear that you are not doing enough?  Do you obsess over what you could possibly have done wrong in anticipation of error (what some authors call "predicting fear")?

Do you demand perfection from yourself?  Do you base your choices on what will please others, even though this may not be your own choice or might even be a choice you find unpleasant?

Do you have a great deal of difficulty making even simple decisions, and does the process produces a great deal of anxiety for you?

Do family members offer perceptions of you that differ dramatically from your own perception of self?  Do they insist that you adopt and share their opinions, even though you don't? 

Does your family accuse you of behavior or attitudes that you don't believe that you have?  Does your family treat you as though you were stuck in your childhood role, as though you'd never grown up?  Do you find yourself defending your perceptions?

Do family members put you down or find other ways of treating you with contempt, either in front of other people or when the two of you are alone?   Do you find yourself repeating explanations about why you feel the way that you do, obsessing with anxiety and frustration as you try to prove to others that you are right?

Do others use silence, guilt, blame, shame, obligation or fear, either to get their way or to punish you when your behavior displeases them?  Are you threatened with displays of anger?  Do you find yourself feeling fearful in their presence or at the thought of them?

Do you feel mocked or teased, and are these responses downplayed when you express your pain or embarrassment? Is there any name-calling or exaggeration of matters, introduced in such a way that helps them win the argument?

Do they threaten to abandon you?  Are criticisms introduced to evoke shame to shift the focus off of matters that are important to you onto your unrelated or peripherally related past faults or errors?   Do they invoke your worst fears about yourself? 

Do you find that you are required to consider only the other person's feelings at the expense of your own?  Could you be mistaking the other party's sorrow, anger or frustration incorrectly, attributing them as true regret and contrition?

Do you experience feelings of dread, heightened sensations, or physical complaints when thinking about or while actively facing the conflict?  Are you having sleep disturbances or bad dreams?

Does they use your ideals against you?   ("Isn't our relationship about unconditional love?" or "Aren't we called to be patient and forgiving with one another?"  "Honor thy father and thy mother."  "Submit, woman!")  Are these arguments offered to you in a context where you cannot easily respond? 

Are matters framed as no win situations for you so that you are "damned if you do and damned if you don't"?

Does they make you doubt your own perceptions, memory, or sense of reality?  ("I never said that, you must have imagined it."  "Don't you remember promising me...."  "Everyone thought you were laughable and were embarrassed for you.")  Do you ever have problems recalling the details of events regarding what transpired during a conflict or over disputed events?

Do you defend them to convince yourself and others of how good the troubled relationship really is?  Do you avoid friends or the discussion of the your relationship with others? 

  Do you feel that you are tolerating treatment that compromises your integrity?  Are you under pressure to always be in agreement with everyone ("The Urge to Merge")?  Are your differences in perspective or convictions always defined as sinful when they don't conform the desired standard, even if they are not issues of morality but merely reflect personal preference?

Is everything that happens in the relationship interpreted as all your doing while everyone else seems free of responsibility for the cause or source of conflict or problems? 

Is it unthinkable to consider that he is unreasonable and impossible to please as opposed absorbing all of the blame for conflict? 

Do you try to convince yourself that you are unaffected or should not be affected by another person's behavior under the guise of automatic forgiveness and unconditional love?

Primed by Parents for Future Exploitation and Abuse

The Power of Fantasy

Many of us remain in difficult relationships because of the fantasies we have about our gaslighters and about ourselves. . . And when it comes to families, our fantasies are especially powerful.

Many of us have intense feelings about the parents or siblings who have known us from early days, seeing them as people we owe everything to, should be able to depend on, or can be especially close to.

Even after we grow up and move out, we may feel lost because we've left them but not the fantasy. . .

The roots of this effort reach back to childhood.  Parents who are disappointing and unreliable put their children in an emotional corner.  To face the truth about them -- that they sometimes behaved like self-absorbed children -- would be overwhelming.

What two-year old, four-year old, or even twelve year old can bear to realize that her mommy can't protect her, that her daddy might not come through?  How terrifying to be a child with unreliable, unloving parents.  We know we're not old enough or strong enough to take care of ourselves, so if they won't do it who will?  And if even Mommy or Daddy won't love us, we must be so unworthy and unlovable that no one else will.

So instead of seeing things with such terrible clarity -- instead of realizing that our parents can't take care of us or love us the way we'd like because of their own limits -- we begin to blame ourselves.  ("It must be my fault"), just as we'll later do with our gaslighter.

But we don't stop there.  We make up fantasies to compensate for the reality of neglect and disappointment, fantasies that seem to give us more control.  If we are strong enough and powerful enough, maybe it won't matter that our parents can't come through for us -- we can take care of them instead. . .

We try to see ourselves as strong, tolerant, understanding, forgiving -- anything to make our parents' failings irrelevant.

Excerpts from the Kindle Edition of

Robin Stern's

The Gaslight Effect:  

How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control your Life

 Crown Archetype, 2007