Discussion of the Stay-At-Home-Daughter lifestyle and the long term effects of growing up in the Patriarchy/Quiverfull Movement associated with Christian Homeschooling in the US
Note: A child can fill both positive and negative roles.
Roles Assigned to Child With Enmeshing Abuse
"Positive Roles":
Hero or heroine (good child)
Counselor
Surrogate partners
Surrogate parent
Mediator
Mascot (comedian role)
Daddy's Little Girl (a ROLE, not a name said in passing)
Daddy's Little Man
Mommy's Little Girl
Mommy's Little Man
In Enmeshment,
In a relationship, this person will be “very good at being good.” Because he/she is so adaptable as a child, when they become an adult, they will seek intensity in order to feel alive and do it in a “positive” but COVERT manner.
They derive both shame and a false sense of empowerment from these roles which imparts a sense of value. They objectify those whom they care for by devaluing their partner while also elevating self.
“Negative Roles”
Scapegoat (problem child)
Rebel
In a relationship, this person will be “very good at being bad.” This adult will seek intensity in order to feel alive in a “negative” OVERT manner.
Roles Assigned To Child With Abandoning/Neglecting Abuse
“Negative Role”
Lost Child:
In a relationship, this person will act in a dependent, needy manner and try to create intensity inside the relationship itself as he/she perceives that it is the relationship that keeps him/her alive.
Irrelevant Child:
Deeper level of the lost child.
Xenophobia for BOTH SUBTYPES:
Fear in general.
Fear of strangers.
It is a biological imperative and sometimes is necessary for survival, and we then tend to be relational with what is familiar.
For the person who has been neglected or abandoned, he/she will try to be relational with people who create distance in relationships through the use of walls. (They will naturally be attracted, ironically, to those who are emotionally unavailable to them.)
For the person who has been enmeshed, he/she will feel compelled to be relational with people who are needy and who believe that they are worthless.
Those affected by patriarchy in the style of the Botkin Syndrome face a set of challenges and often struggle to see their experience in a way that helps them understand what happen to them. After establishing a place of safety in safe relationships, retracing and recounting personal history is an essential stage of recovery, something that comes before the stage of reconnection and intimacy with others. This is also true of children who grow up in other types of dysfunctional homes, such as those who had parents who suffered from personality disorders like narcissism.
Because of the many similar elements that are common to the enmeshment as a Stay-At-Home-Daughter and the enmeshment that takes place between children and the parent with a personality disorder, this literature is often helpful to those who are working their way out of patriarchy. In particular, I like “Trapped in the Mirror” and “Children of the Self-Absorbed” because the functional problems faced by children and adult children from patriarchal homes are so similar.
I find it striking that people with borderline personality disorder use many of the same coping mechanisms that are used by those who follow Botkin-style patriarchy. This certainly does not mean that everyone who follows patriarchy has a narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, but I think that the ways in which the children of people with borderline personality disorder are affected by their parent’s disorder can and may help those overcoming enmeshment understand their experience in a more meaningful way because of the similarities.
What is BPD?
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), so named because the disorder was once classified differently, as it was originally thought to be a very mild form of “borderline” schizophrenia. As science and further study has now revealed that the disorder is actually a very specific reaction to trauma that takes place in childhood which inhibits aspects of brain development related to memory.
At the current time, the name of the disorder remains, even though it is a little misleading. In addition to some more child-like means of coping with distress and reality, people affected with BPD fail to transfer very emotionally charged events into their long term memory. For this reason it was originally thought that those with the disorder could not “take in” reality and make sense of it, but it is actually now understood as a type of complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that has affected brain function and development. Throughout the rest of this post and for the sake of ease, I will refer to those who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder as a “BP” meaning a “borderline person.” As one author suggests, it avoids reducing those affected into a diagnosis and preserves their identity as a person apart from the disease.
Features Common to Both BPD and Botkin Syndrome
BPs rely upon coping mechanisms [See this link] that are commonly used within spiritual abuse. In order to deal the depression and the intensity of mood swings, the BP uses defenses like distraction through fantasy and idealization to deny painful experiences, all in addition to the denial that occurs as a consequence of disturbance in memory. People who follow patriarchy cling to an idealized view of family and see the world through patriarchy’s galvanized prejudice, and elements of this created system of idealism often does not meet with practical demands, something very much like the alternate reality of the BP.
Psychological splitting (a type of black and white thinking) also predisposes the BP to devaluation of others in order to protect their fragile sense of self, using devaluation, demoralization, and demonization of those whom they find threatening at a given moment. Those who follow patriarchy also defend their belief system against their critics, detractors, defectors, as well as their own excommunicated followers in the same manner. BPs use blame and projection in order to feel better about themselves, raising their own comfort level by “leveling the playing field” by focusing and attributing fault to others, regardless of whether they are deserving of that fault or blame. Patriarchy uses these tactics through the concept of merited grace and safety which always falls on the shoulders of the devotee (“If you failed to get promised results, you are to blame because of personal failure or sin.”).
Patriarchy uses all of these primitive coping tactics to enhance the group’s sense of exclusivity and special status to blame and reduce those outside of the group to a lesser status. For the loved ones of those with BPD, because of the high degree of manipulation used by the BP to avoid their fears and to survive their disorder, the “brainwashing effects” that the disorder has on their family and friends is very much like the thought reform employed within many systems of the so-called Biblical patriarchy. Again, this does not mean that anyone who follows patriarchy has a personality disorder, but the dynamics of the patriarchal system do bear many similarities in some respects. I believe that it is worth considering some of the wisdom from this literature to bring more insight. I am also concerned on another level that patriarchy may attract both leaders and followers with some of these personality disorders because the ideology of patriarchy lends itself so well to the natural style of those who have both borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.
Relationship Dynamics
The story of the Wizard of Oz lends itself well to the disorder as a way of explaining what it is like to live with a BP. The child of the BP lives in two worlds: the BP’s world and real world which is governed by rational and predictable social rules and dynamics which are consistent. Life with their BP is much like getting caught up into the whirlwind and carried to Oz – into an alternate universe where the regular rules don’t apply. It has some elements of enchantment fantasy, but like Oz, it also has its villains, heroes and sojourners. (Link HERE to a brief explanation of this metaphor.)
In general, a BP can function at very high or very low levels, being very capable or very debilitated. Recognizing high functioning BPs proves more difficult for those outside of their immediate family or outside of the BP’s primary relationships, because it is masked by their high level of competence and skill at hiding their inner turmoil from others. BPs also vary vastly in the way that they deal with their fears and anguish, either turning them inward to become collapsed personalities or turning them outward to become exaggerated personalities.
In “Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship,” Lawson identifies four basic “character profiles” that tend to dominate the personality of the BP, but they may also overlap. (BPs manifest their core issues in very complex ways, but understanding them in terms of profile types or metaphor such as “Life in Oz” helps their loved ones with their own understanding and interpersonal struggle with their BP.) The BP may also behave consistently with one type of profile when coping well and may switch into another character profile when feeling threatened.
Character Profiles of Mothers with BPD (Lawson, pp 37-8):
(1.) The Waif Mother who predominantly demonstrates helplessness; “Life is too hard.”
(2.) The Hermit Mother who predominantly demonstrates fear; “Life is too dangerous.”
(3.) The Queen Mother who predominantly demonstrates emptiness; “Life is ‘all about me.’”
(4.) The Witch Mother who predominantly demonstrates annihilating rage; “Life is war.”
The following chart, adapted from the book, describes the affects of the mindset of the BP on their thoughts and behaviors concerning their children. It should be said that all parents make errors and that none are perfect, but parents who consistently respond to their children in the manners described in the Table do suffer with impaired relationships, and these ideas and resulting behaviors adversely affect their children. (No parent can be expected to be the perfect, ideal parent, and few parents are ideal.)
It cannot be stressed and stated more emphatically: Parents in patriarchy or those who follow the Botkin Model of parenting do not suffer from BPD! I present this material here to highlight how the similar coping and parenting styles of those with BPD are quite similar to those within patriarchy in some ways, and understanding this may be helpful for adult children who have been affected by particular elements of these parenting styles. It must also be noted that, though this book discusses the Borderline Mother, within patriarchy, the controlling and manipulating comes from both parents, theoretically from the father in particular.
My point here involves understanding the general effects and problems, not to make a case that mothers in patriarchy control their families and that they are the source of the problems in the system. But, children of BPs suffer from enmeshment just as do children in patriarchy, and many of the assumptions that BPs make about their children are consistent with adult children who have exited patriarchy. It is a comparison, not an analogy. Some of the doctrines and some of the functional problems manifested in patriarchy also manifest in BPD (functional problems that manifest and deviate from patriarchy’s ideology when the ideology s put into practice). And for that reason only, the literature which addresses BPD can be helpful for those who are overcoming Botkin Syndrome.
Just as the BPs described here fall into predictable patterns of behavior, their children also develop predictable responses. Children in dysfunctional families fall into certain categories. Lawson notes these specific family roles for children of Borderline Mothers: the “all-good child,” the “no-good child” and the “lost child” (pp 160-173). Per the literature concerning addictions and recovery, the identified roles within dysfunctional, enmeshed families that children (and the non-addicted spouse) adopt include the “hero,” the “clown,” the “mascot,” the “caretaker,” the “rebel,” the “scapegoat,” the "mastermind," and the “lost child” or “loner.”
Children within systems of enmeshment feel constrained to remain in these expected roles in order to accommodate the needs of the BP which assuages them, because children become overly responsible for the well being of the parent and family at the expense of their own needs and their own personalities. In patriarchy, exiting the family system is also tantamount to religious apostasy and loss of connection with God, so children within patriarchy feel even more pressure than do those in families where a parent suffers from addiction/dysfunction.
What Can We Learn from BPD?
Recently, while reading through the BPD literature, I noted several statements that Lawson makes in “Understanding the Borderline Mother” that apply well to those within patriarchy. I offer only a few of them here for those who are working through the “Why?” and “How?” of the painful aspects of their experience of family, noting understanding and evaluation of personal history as an essential stage in healing from any type of trauma. Working through and resolving their understanding of the painful aspects of their family experience will liberate them to be able to celebrate the good and beneficial elements of their families without hindrance or distraction.
Note:[Bracketed terms] in the following excerpts were adapted and added by this blog host for the ease of the reader of this post to abbreviate the terminology which was explained in the context of the book (in terms of character subtypes) but is beyond the scope of this post.
To make the excerpts more relevant to those within patriarchy, consider substituting the term “family” for “mother.” As previously stated, though the book discusses these issues as they pertain to mothers who suffer from BPD, these issues apply to family and also to fathers within the Botkin-style form of patriarchy.
Pgs 223-4:
Children of borderlines expect incongruent behavior from others. They learn to hide their real feelings, to express their needs indirectly, or not to need anything at all. Because this learning is unconscious, they are unaware of their own incongruence… Children of borderlines keep the true self hidden, first from their parents and eventually from themselves. . . The real self will be hidden if it can not be fully expressed.
Pg 244:
Because borderlines lack object constancy, they have no access to an internal, loving, approving, protective self that is constant regardless of events. Therefore, they try to rely on their own children to hold them together. As adults, children of the[mother] have a choice about how much they are willing to give, how much they can emotionally withstand, and how much of their own lives they are willing to sacrifice.
Pgs 253-4:
The [mother’s] adult children must understand that those with healthy mothers cannot imagine the manipulativeness of the[mother]. Others therefore assume that the child, rather than the mother, is the selfish one…Attempting to separate from the[mother] can cause volcanic eruptions. Everyone reacts to seeing the smoke and red-hot lava once it is flowing, but few people understand the forces beneath the surface that created the disaster.
Pg 254-5:
The[mother’s] emptiness distorts her perceptions of interactions with others. Regardless of how much she is appreciated, loved, valued, or admired, she feels disappointed. Gifts from the [mother] have strings attached because they are tied to her sense of self. She gives in order to receive what she needs or wants… The strange combination of the[mother’s] extravagant gifts and her inability to give what is actually needed reflects her own longing to be indulged… The[mother’s] behavior elicits embarrassment about her need for recognition, attention, and control, and her children may react by becoming intensely private individuals...The[mother’s]adult children should accept only those gifts that do not leave them feeling indebted, uncomfortable, or guilty.
Pg 261-2:
“In normal development, the mother introduces the child to increasingly difficult levels of frustration so the child will learn that she does not always get what she wants. At some point, the child’s ego realizes, accepts, and internalizes this, understanding that it is a normal, although disagreeable, fact of life. The child with an arrested ego, however, will have a poor ability to tolerate frustration…”[Quoting Masterson, pg 76.]
Unfortunately, both the[mother]and her children can suffer from arrested ego development. The[mother] cannot supply her children with something she lacks in herself, and she uses her children to mirror her self-worth. This aberration in parenting results in children with selves that either respond with angry defiance and feeling of worthlessness or with false compliance and feelings of emptiness… Adult children must learn to mirror their true selves instead of the[mother’s].
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In an upcoming post I HOPE to explore the connection between literature written by concentration camp survivors and why the children of BPs often feel a connection to the plight of the captive.
1. The child often experiences deep fear that turns into despair.
2. He or she may lead a life of denial in which all emotions are buried.
3. He or she may surrender to helplessness and adopt the identity and lifestyle of a perpetual victim, constantly immersed in fear, guilt and depression.
4. He or she may become angry and defiant in an attempt to obliterate a deep fear about life.
As children, we tend to mold our personalities to adapt to our environment. If our environment is supportive, nurturing, and flexible, we are freed to express our own individuality. If our environment is rigid, demanding and conditional, however, we are forced to shape our behavior to fit the needs of others. We substitute our true self for a false self that is more acceptable to our parents, whose love and approval we need desperately. In essence, we compromise who we really are, and become what our parents need us to be.
From a series of posts examining "multigenerational faithfulness," examining unquestioned obedience and First Time Obedience as an essential component of multigenerational faithfulness as taught by the Botkin Family.
In closing this post, I would also like to state that as a consequence of trying to conform to my parents standards and eventually abandoning what was a fantasy of idolatry for me, I did suffer something I deeply regret. I learned to be easily brainwashed by anyone who was like my parents or by anyone who occupied a position that seemed parental to me. I learned to sell out my mind for the greater good to any authority that I trusted, and particularly any authority that reminded me of my parents. If I could identify the worst and most terrible consequences of my all the experiences of my life related to what I learned by trying to conform by basically denying and even attempting to destroy who God created me to be, it would be this core of idolatrous self-hatred for identifying my identity in Christ as sinful.
Learning this process and wrongfully defining it as obedience to my parents has predisposed me to errors in judgement that have resulted in being molested and raped as a child (by one whom I identified as a trusted authority figure to whom I should submit) against whom I had no recourse. As an adult, it predisposed me to submitting myself to the unjust spiritual abusers and religious authorities in a very damaging, cultic Evangelical church that preached the Gospel and laid hands on the sick and operated in the gifts of the Spirit that I believed qualified them as trustworthy. For this reason, I believe that the costs of unquestioned submission and ideals like “First Time Obedience” do far more damage than good. It is convenient for parents who believe that they are acting in the best interest of their children, but I believe that trusting and naive young girls and women very much like me have reaped terrible consequences of this type of unqualified and demanded obedience.
Please consider this following technique of self-deprecation used as a tried, tested and true technique of thought reform. I believe that just as adults who are subjected to spiritual abuse suffer these consequences, I believe that these are very similar dynamics that I learned in my own home because I did not fit the expected norm. And I believe that this made the process of religious conversion in a Bible-based cult all the easier and more familiar for me, almost seeming to offer a solution to my primary problem: my perpetual failure to earn my parents acceptance. If I have lusted after anything in my life, surely nothing has compared to the idolatrous lust I’ve followed in seeking after my parents’ approval. And the quest to satisfy that lust has hurt me far more than any other factor in my life. My parents never intended this to be so, but they didn't undertand that they were fostering idolatry in my heart. Surely they never would have done so if they had known. None of us knew.
Son of David, have mercy on me for having served them, my own lust for their acceptance and the wounds of my own heart. All I ever really desired was You and wholeness in You through your Atoning Blood. And I didn’t know any better. Please spare Your people this same pain. My heart is ever contrite before You, my Creator. Ever let Your strength be made perfect in my – Oh so many – weaknesses. Search me, know me, see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Abusive leaders are frequently uncannily able to pick out traits church members are proud of and to use those very traits against the members. Those with natural gifts in the areas of music may be told they are proud or puffed up or "anxious to be up front" if they want to use their talents and denied that opportunity. Those with discernment are called judgmental or critical, the merciful are lacking in holiness or good judgment, the peacemakers are reminded the Lord came to bring a sword, not peace. Sometimes efforts are made to convince members that they really are not gifted teachers or musically talented or prophetically inclined as they believed they were. When members begin to doubt the one or two special gifts they possess which they have always been sure were God-given, they begin to doubt everything else they have ever believed about themselves, to feel dependent upon church leaders and afraid to leave the group. ("If I've been wrong about even *that*, how can I ever trust myself to make right decisions ever again?").
Warning Signs:
Unwillingness to allow members to use their gifts. Establishing rigid boot camp-like requirements for the sake of proving commitment to the group before gifts may be exercised. Repeatedly criticizing natural giftedness by reminding members they must die to their natural gifts, that Paul, after all, said, "When I'm weak, I'm strong," and that they should expect God to use them in areas other than their areas of giftedness. Emphasizing helps or service to the group as a prerequisite to church ministry. This might take the form of requiring that anyone wanting to serve in any way first have the responsibility of cleaning toilets or cleaning the church for a specified time, that anyone wanting to sing in the worship band must first sing to the children in Sunday School, or that before exercising any gifts at all, members must demonstrate loyalty to the group by faithful attendance at all functions and such things as tithing. No consideration is given to the length of time a new member has been a Christian or to his age or station in life or his unique talents or abilities. The rules apply to everyone alike. This has the effect of reducing everyone to some kind of lowest common denominator where no one's gifts or natural abilities are valued or appreciated, where the individual is not cherished for the unique blessing he or she is to the body of Christ, where what is most highly valued is service, obedience, submission to authority, and performance without regard to gifts or abilities or, for that matter, individual limitations.
Consider that this is what you are doing to your children when you demand your way and your desires for their lives, even from the time they are small and seek only to run to you and hide themselves in the comfort under the shadow of your wings. No parent desires to reduce their children into automatons or two dimensional beings with no depth of character to leave them wounded and confused. But that it what happens to many of us. We were not made for the Sabbath rest but the Sabbath rest was made for us. Yet for many of us there is only striving to meet demands of perfection wherein there is no rest for the people of God. So many of these parenting paradigms are millstones, hung around the necks of little ones. And we weep.
These characteristics were taken from a longer list of many of the different characteristics of covert incest. The original list contains several other characteristics that involve examples of inappropriate sexual behavior because the two different types of the lack of appropriate boundaries so often overlap. Though I believe that Botkin Syndrome paves the way to inappropriate sexual behavior between parents and children, I eliminated the more overt references from the list displayed on the "Dysfunktional Card Company" website:
Intrusive interest in child's sexual development (i.e. menstruation) [Remember Gothard's advice to fathers to keep track of their daughters' menstrual cycles?]
Inappropriate sexual interest in child's clothing (i.e. fit, style)
Repeated explicit quizzing about child's sexual curiosity and interest
Direct and intentional scrutiny of the body (clothed, or when bathing or dressing)
Use of child as a peer for adult emotional expression, as a confidant/counselor regarding personal (adult) needs and problems; as an exclusive, special, intimate companion
While the child may feel discomfort, confusion or embarrassment in most of these circumstances, he/she will not understand or know how to deal with them. A child's emotional reaction to covert incest and sexual abuse situations is typically to hide it, keep it inside. The information cannot be processed. Children are not miniature adults. It is the responsibility of the adult to interrupt these behaviors for the welfare of the minor child.
Physical: (Use of implements, face slapping, hair pulling, having a child physically nurture a parent and intrusive procedures.)
Physical SEXUAL: (Sex acts, sexual touching, sexual kissing and hugging, voyerism, exhibitionism, verbal sexual trauma, failure to have sexual boundary in the presence of a child, and child as a witness to sexual trauma.)
Emotional SEXUAL:(Involving emotional enmeshment by the parent or major caregiver.)
Intellectual:(Attacks to the shaming of or over control of the child's expression ofthought)
Emotional: (Shaming of a child's expression of emotion. Refusal to let child express feelings or improper expression of feelings by the parent or major caregiver.)
Spiritual:(Religious addiction of the parent or major caregiver, trauma at the hands of a religious caregiver, parent acting like he/she is a god or goddess of the family, indulgence or false empowerment of the child, and moral perfection and obedience demanded from the child.
NOTE: SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTERconcerning sexual problems that stem from enmeshment with a parent. Please make note of it. For mature readers only.
The Relationship Problems of the Chosen Child
(The child within a relationship of enmeshment with a parent.)
From pages 51 – 55:
(BUY THE BOOK if you find this relevant to you!
This is a gross condensing of the main points of the text!)
Fear of Commitment
“I do just fine with women right up to the point where the word 'commitment' is mentioned. Then I feel like turning and running away. The thought of living with just one woman for the rest of my life sends me into a cold sweat.”
Problems with love relationships are the rule rather than the exception for the adult Chosen Child, and one of the most common problems is a fear of intimacy and commitment. To a person who was bound up with an engulfing parent, any close relationship can feel like an invasion. I see this trait quite frequently in men who were the favorite sons of aggressive, domineering mothers.
Lack of Romantic Attraction
Woman: “I am married to a wonderful man. He goes out of his way to please me. I couldn't ask for anything more. Yet, I'm always dissatisfied. I keep wondering, 'Where's the magic? Isn't there more to love than this?'”
Man: “I've been married three times, and I'm about to sign up for number four. I've never found what I'm looking for in a woman. All my wives have disappointed me.
The normal parent-child bond is powerful in and of itself; when it is amplified by enmeshment, it becomes all-encompassing. Unwittingly, some Chosen Children go through life trying to recapture this intensity...
Please take time to read the previous post if you have not already done so. I will expand a bit upon each one of these issues in subsequent posts.
Consider these questions until for a day or so until the posts describing these characteristics in depth, and ask yourself in your heart of hearts, “Could this possibly apply to me and my life?” If it doesn't fit, for you and your experience, that's fine. But I ask all here would read this and sleep on it, being honest with yourself. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you into all truth, anointing your eyes and your ears and your heart so that you would know truth from error in a powerful way. Prepare your heart as you prepare to read the next post. May you hear only the sound of the Lord in your heart, the voice of the Good Shepherd, for the voice of another you will not follow.
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The posts to follow list of the emotional problems that Love identifies as common issues for adult children who experienced enmeshment with a parent or caretaker. If you experience cognitive dissonance (that feeling of confusion and discomfort because you feel challenged or are considering a contradictory idea), consider that God promises to lead and guide us into all truth through the Power of the Holy Spirit. I know, because I was challenged by this material when I read about these things for the first time, now nearly 20 years ago. It was uncomfortable, but I also could not deny the truth of the words on the page that pierced me like a compassionate surgeon's scalpel in order to bring healing.
Answering these types of questions concerning the truth about the many unmet needs that I experienced as a child is still very difficult for me and has been my greatest setback. I try to mitigate and downplay the injustice of it all by making excuses or by rationalizing things away. “I was depressed as a child, but so did my parents, so what happened to me can be dismissed because it was not intentional.”
I can attest personally how difficult and terrifying it has been for me to admit the truth about my own family myths and to face the emotions that accompany that truth. Avoidance sometimes seems to be the actual function and great work of my life because this process is so intimidating. So I will ask you to pray about what you've read thus far and sleep peacefully tonight. Read the next installment tomorrow. Make sure your feet are shed with the Gospel of the preparation of peace, and prepare your heart with prayer.
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From page 33 - 55:
As you read the following material on emotional problems of the Chosen Child, be alert for the possibility of denial. And remember that you may be experiencing denial on two separate levels:
You may be blocking out some painful aspects of your childhood.
You may be blind to some of the coping mechanisms you developed to diminish your pain.
While reading one section you may be blocking how it relates to your past. For example, you may read the section on low self-esteem and find yourself thinking, “Yes, I often have low self-esteem, but unlike this example, it's not because my parents criticized or abused me. They were always nice to me.” Consider the fact that you may be unwittingly perpetuating a family mythology. Ask yourself: “Could it be possible that my parents were more abusive or neglectful that I would like to believe? Was there a subtle way they put me down? Did they praise me, but five me the hidden message that I didn't measure up? Did they say they loved me but paid little attention to my needs?”
Later, you may identify with a particular description of family life, but not the attending emotional difficulties. For example, you may read the section on grandiosity and say to yourself “My father may have openly preferred me to both my brothers, but that didn't make me grandiose. I'm always humble and level-headed.” In this case, test the validity of your self-perception. Ask yourself: “Do people ever accuse me of being arrogant? Has a friend indicated that I'm a bit full of myself? Have I ever had problems at work that might be attributed to grandiosity?” If you keep an open mind as you venture into this chapter, you may make considerable progress on your road to recovery.
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Emotional Challenges of the Adult Child of Enmeshment
(The child within a relationship of enmeshment with a parent.)
From pages 33 – 38:
(BUY THE BOOK if you find this relevant to you!
This is a gross condensing of the main points of the text!)
Guilt
“I feel responsible for everything that happens around me – especially when things go wrong. I feel especially guilty when other people are unhappy. I'm sure I must have done something wrong or failed to do something I was supposed to do.”
For some people, the single world GUILT sums up the negative consequences of growing up with an Invasive Parent. Depending on their circumstances, they can fell guilty for one or more of a number of reasons, including: taking a parent away from a partner, winning out over siblings, failing to live up to a parent's expectations, wanting to break away from an overbearing parent,and participating in a love triangle when they were “old enough to know better.”
From “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.. Exploring the dynamics of covert (emotional or non-sexual but gender-related) incest.
From pages 193 – 194:
The Singular Nature of Sibling Dynamics
[T]here are some dynamics that are peculiar to siblings. First, it may behoove you to examine how your birth order influences your behavior. Just because you were the youngest child doesn't mean that Thanksgiving can never be at your house; the few years between you and older siblings make little difference now that you're adults. Similarly, just because you're the oldest child and the only one in the family with a dining room table that seats twelve doesn't mean you have to be in charge of all family functions – even if you've done so for the past twenty-five years... Everyone may benefit from a change. There's no need to stay locked into a position that is detrimental to you and to others.
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Second, if you have strained relationships with your siblings, your instinct may be to cut yourself off from them. You may have the desire to move across the continent and drastically limit your contact. But because you and your siblings are contemporaries, there is the strong possibility that you will have to deal with one another in the future.
You may need to cooperate in the care of an aging parent, for example, or work out details surrounding a family death. Your children may want access to their aunts and uncles, and you may want to play a positive role in the lives of your nieces and nephews. You may even come to depend on a sibling in your old age. Having the courage to initiate a reconciliations now will eliminate conflict further down the road.
Third, brothers and sisters tend to get embroiled in protracted battles about “who is right.” This could be a carryover from the early days when fairness and equal treatment from Mom and Dad were so important and determining who was right and wrong seemed a matter of life and death. Now that you're adults, you have to decide which is more important: being right or being close...
Take a look at the issues that divide your family. Are they worth fighting over? Are they a matter of pride and saving face? Did they have their roots in a previous generation? Are they due to the way your parents treated you, a matter over which you had little control? Could it be time for you to pretend that you're all grown up and let bygones be bygones?
