Interesting Review of Covert Incest

Libby Anne writes about covert incest in an insightful, three part review series about the topic at Love, Joy, Feminism which is hosted at Patheos.com.





Part One concerns the definition of terms.

Part Two discusses how the patriarchy movement markets this dynamic of a dysfunctional family as a "Biblical model" of what God demands of parents who are raising young women.  She specifically notes the Botkin Family as an example of this aberrant belief system.

Part Three notes another author's measures to avoid falling into the traps of enmenshment with his daughter, and Libby notes how any family can fall into these patterns, not just those involved with the patriarchy movement within some sectors of Evangelical Christianity.

Update 05Apr12:

There's apparently more than three parts, since Part Four appeared.  :)   Keep following there in the event that there are some additional installments.

Defining "Balance" and "Healthy" in Terms of Relationships

In general, a balanced and healthy relationship between two parties defines that which respects the abilities, limitations and needs of each party. Another very simple way of describing these relationships through an application of the “golden rule”: each party considers the needs, wants and feelings of the other party so that they act as much in the best interest of the other party as they do their own. Healthy and balanced relationships are not NOT “zero-sum” situations where if one party benefits, the other party suffers some type of loss.

There are always times when one person will sacrifice on behalf of the needs, wants or feelings of the other party, deferring their own out of love and respect of the other, but this is episodic and it is reciprocal. Such a way of relating to the other party strengthens and builds trust and therefore the relationship, because needs, wants and feelings of each party are held in both mutual love and honor.

In order to achieve this, both parties realize and accept the limitations and abilities of one another, refraining from unrealistic demands or expectations. As an example, if one party were very short in stature and the other was tall, the taller person would not expect, ask or demand that the shorter person be capable of reaching on to a high shelf to hand something to him (assuming there is no step-ladder or other device to aid the short person, of course). Likewise, provided that the short person realizes that the ceilings in a basement do not allow for the tall person to stand fully upright without leaning over, they are unlikely to expect, ask or demand that the tall person perform many activities in that basement. 

 Not only are they not capable of normal function in that environment (standing upright – something all human beings should be afforded), doing so causes them physical pain and harm that is very difficult to avoid. The short person then assumes responsibilities for the “basement duties” whenever possible out of respect of the needs, wants and feelings of the taller one. As a general rule, the tall person reciprocates, sharing in the responsibilities of the needs, wants and feelings of the short person by assuming the duties that come easier to a taller person (reaching for items on shelves).

Unique Consideration of the Parent-Child Relationship

Parenting adds additional considerations because of the inequitable abilities of children to meet their own needs as well as the duties of parenting to teach children nearly everything. In addition to providing for the obvious learning and care needs that a child cannot possibly provide for themselves, the parent bears the burden of teaching that child boundaries: where the child's own needs, wants and feelings begin and where they end in relationship to others. This is subtle but vitally important – an aspect of parenting that can be easily forgotten as the child grows older, taking more adult appearing behaviors and performance. (I often find this to be true when observing children who are far beyond the mean for their age group in terms of physical growth. My young cousin looked as if she was four years old when she was only three, and I often found myself “forgetting” that her abilities were still that of a three year old's.)

Because of these factors, all responsibility for the child falls to the parent. The relationship demands this because the child is helpless at birth and requires the parent's sacrificial provision for their needs. An infant provides the most obvious example of this, and the responsibilities are clear: the child depends completely on that parent. But as the child grows older and takes on more adult-like behaviors, the adult must never look to the child to meet their own adult needs within the parent-child relationship. 

 Such a task is complex, because there is so much satisfaction and pleasure that parent's derive from their children. So there is an ever-changing demand placed upon the parent to wisely note that, though the child has developed certain abilities (listening, sharing work, encouragement, emotional support, etc.), the parent must always act in the best interest of the child within the parent-child relationship. Until the child grows into adulthood, the parent bears the heavier burden and must act in the child's best interest above their own. (This is completely apart from the idea that a parent cannot place demands upon children and does not presume that things like household chores or contributing to considerations of the family are improper expectations. This in no way should or does imply “child rights” or other such activism.)

The Simple Checklist: Effects of Covert/Emotional Incest

From "The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.. Exploring the dynamics of covert (emotional or non-sexual but gender-related) incest.

Note: This checklist [FROM THE INSIDE COVER] is contained in the longer “Symptoms of Enmeshment” checklist. But if you don't want to take the long one, this general one will do.

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If you follow the family paradigm taught by these groups, I only ask that you read and consider this information. I believe that the truth of it will resonate and remain with you, even if it is filed away in the back of your mind. As it was with me, the truth of it from examples in my own life were astounding. Twenty years ago, I could have written most of this list as a description of my own feelings without any coaching. If you baulk at it today, that's okay. It is my hope that it will return to your remembrance later, as it did for me when the truth of it remained.


Were You A "Chosen Child"?

1. I was the source of emotional support for one of my parents.

2. I felt closer to one parent than the other.

3. I got the impression a parent did not want me to marry or move far away from home.

4. Any potential boyfriend or girlfriend was never "good enough" for one of my parents.

5. I felt I had to hold back my own needs to protect a parent.

6. I felt responsible for my parent's happiness.

7. I sometimes felt invaded by a parent.

8. One of my parents had unrealistic expectations of me.

9. One of my parents was preoccupied with drugs/alcohol, work, outside interests, or another sibling.

10. One of my parents was like my best friend.


If you answered yes to three or more of the above statements, you may have been a Chosen Child and suffered the emotional abuse of a parent who was overly involved in your life. In this insightful and groundbreaking book, you will learn how to recognize the signs of emotional incest and what you can do now tor reverse its negative effects in your adult life.

Excerpt from Dr. Patricia Love's The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent's Love Rule's Your Life

Bantam Books, 1990

What does the literature on family dysfunction, covert incest and addiction have to do with the Botkins?

Explaining the Botkin Model for Stay At Home Daughters

I present this information here to those who have some interest in the Botkin Daughters and Family because I believe their model, promoted by patriarchy/patriocentricity and groups such as Vision Forum is destructive and unhealthy, but the nature of the dysfunction is not so apparent. For those who are interested in the Botkin concept, I hope that you will benefit from my experience and the experience of the study of families who struggle to cope with the inevitable frustrations of life.

We have unavoidable tensions in life, many painful realities that even concern religion. The Apostle Paul said that we “see through a glass darkly” so that we do not know everything that we would like to know about God, the world and ourselves. That can be painful at times and leaves us with many unanswered questions. The so-called “Biblical patriarchy” in Evangelical Christianity has been termed more succinctly as “patriocentricity” because the practicalities or the daily working out of it describes all family life as centered around the father. His considerations and protections and wisdom comes first and it therefore the functional center. I believe that this father centered model is just another construct or tool that Christians developed in order to deal with the unavoidable pains in life, but it actually does more harm to people as opposed to helping them.

I grew up in a wonderful home, an only child with two wonderful parents that have been married 45 years, at the time of this writing. We went to church and I was a devoted Christian that loved God for as long as I can remember. I grew up and entered a helping profession as a nurse (though the available choices for me were very limited by my parents), then got married. But there were many problems along the way (which you can read about in greater detail by selecting the “personal testimony” tag). We didn’t have alcoholics or drug addictions, but we had other things that we did in order to cope, one of which was religion.

I was shocked to realize that though there was no substance use or gambling, we had all of the characteristics of an alcoholic family (centered around depression instead of substances or debachery). For some time,

 I followed two different religious alternatives in an attempt to cope with the pain of life: (1) the Word of Faith teachings that I shared with my family, and (2) a formulaic and rule-oriented Christianity through my church’s eclectic combination of Bill Gothardism, shepherding/discipleship from the Charismatic movement in the ‘70s, and through a misapplication of Theonomy (introduced to us through the Bob Mumford connections to Chalcedon through the shepherding movement). I believe that patriocentricity, the Botkin Model, is just another type of religious means of coping with life, and they differ little from the religious means that I used myself.


The Botkin Model

The patriarchal model, the Botkin model, describes and prescribes ways by which a person can hopefully avoid many of the pains, pressures and unpredictability in life through following the wisest plan of living: the Bible. But the Bible is not so specific, and application to our age must be clarified for us. In the process of making application of those principles to our daily lives, there is a great deal of our own ideology worked in as a part of the process. We select elements from our culture that have worked for us in the past. We work in our own personal beliefs as a consequence as well, since we are the ones who are working out the plan. We use what we grew up to interpret as “normal” as a guide for us. And for our family, this constitutes a good guide. For us, the effort has been noble and worthy.

But herein lies the problem. Those who grow up in a less effective family generally grow up coping with the struggles of the other members in the family. This need not be alcoholism. In my own family, it was depression. You stand on your head and move mountains to help the depressed person survive, through constant acts of self-sacrifice and service. This is not different than how the alcoholic family operates, and it is far from healthy. In my own family, I did everything I could to “enable” the depression itself. As a consequence, I developed and LEARNED my own similar ways of coping by being both depressed and sickly. Instead of being the bad kid, I was the very good kid but also the sick child because that was the only thing that pulled my other family members out of their depression. And while I was a child, it worked. And I learned very unhealthy and destructive ways of coping, and to me, they were “normal.” But I grew up, and none of it worked anymore.

I believe that the Botkins are perpetuating the same type of system. I do not know what the original problems were (addictions or a smothering parent or through some abandonment of some type) that produced the dysfunctions in the family systems of those who have constructed patriocentricity. What I can readily recognize is the pattern and the rules, both written and unwritten. I did not grow up with an understanding of “multi-generational faithfulness” in the terms that the Botkins now profess, but I did grow up with a devotion to my depressed and dysfunctional family that needed me to perpetuate it in order to survive the pains of life. I can spot the patterns a mile away. And I know well, along with every other adult child of a family trying to survive some pain of life, the destructive outcomes that the patterns produce. Those who hold the power benefit from those who support them, and I know well the role of the enabler (as well as the pleasure of the benefits of that role – the secondary gain).

(Read more under the "triangulation" tag from the label list for more information.)

What the Botkins declare to be a Biblical model -- that outlines the wisest way to live the Christian life -- I see as the die-hard attempt to make religion work to avoid the unavoidable and inevitable unpredictability and pain of living.

The Botkin model, that of patriocentricity, contains many Christian elements and concepts that are Christianly in general, but it also has the dysfunction of the addicted family rules woven in it. From my vantage, it is obvious to me that those who drafted the specifics of it have not dealt with the grief and pain of elements of their own past, and have made patriocentricity their drug of choice.

The tragedy is that they claim that their potpourri of preference (Christianity, Old Testament Legalism, Victorian and Medieval culture, the cult of domesticity, American Nationalism, and the dynamics of dysfunctional and addicted families) is the only Biblical alternative for effective Christian living. In reality, they are preaching the family dynamics of addiction, representing them as faithful Christianity.

They are using the integrity of Word of God to legitimize (and market!) their own emotional and psychological disease processes..

Paying the Emotional Toll for Enmeshment ~~ The Problematic Life of the Chosen Child

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From “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.

Please take time to read the previous post if you have not already done so. I will expand a bit upon each one of these issues in subsequent posts.

Consider these questions until for a day or so until the posts describing these characteristics in depth, and ask yourself in your heart of hearts, “Could this possibly apply to me and my life?” If it doesn't fit, for you and your experience, that's fine. But I ask all here would read this and sleep on it, being honest with yourself. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you into all truth, anointing your eyes and your ears and your heart so that you would know truth from error in a powerful way. Prepare your heart as you prepare to read the next post. May you hear only the sound of the Lord in your heart, the voice of the Good Shepherd, for the voice of another you will not follow.

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The posts to follow list of the emotional problems that Love identifies as common issues for adult children who experienced enmeshment with a parent or caretaker. If you experience cognitive dissonance (that feeling of confusion and discomfort because you feel challenged or are considering a contradictory idea), consider that God promises to lead and guide us into all truth through the Power of the Holy Spirit. I know, because I was challenged by this material when I read about these things for the first time, now nearly 20 years ago. It was uncomfortable, but I also could not deny the truth of the words on the page that pierced me like a compassionate surgeon's scalpel in order to bring healing.

Answering these types of questions concerning the truth about the many unmet needs that I experienced as a child is still very difficult for me and has been my greatest setback. I try to mitigate and downplay the injustice of it all by making excuses or by rationalizing things away. “I was depressed as a child, but so did my parents, so what happened to me can be dismissed because it was not intentional.” 

I can attest personally how difficult and terrifying it has been for me to admit the truth about my own family myths and to face the emotions that accompany that truth. Avoidance sometimes seems to be the actual function and great work of my life because this process is so intimidating. So I will ask you to pray about what you've read thus far and sleep peacefully tonight. Read the next installment tomorrow. Make sure your feet are shed with the Gospel of the preparation of peace, and prepare your heart with prayer.

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From page 33 - 55:

As you read the following material on emotional problems of the Chosen Child, be alert for the possibility of denial. And remember that you may be experiencing denial on two separate levels:

1. You may be blocking out some painful aspects of your childhood.
2. You may be blind to some of the coping mechanisms you developed to diminish your pain.

While reading one section you may be blocking how it relates to your past. For example, you may read the section on low self-esteem and find yourself thinking, “Yes, I often have low self-esteem, but unlike this example, it's not because my parents criticized or abused me. They were always nice to me.” Consider the fact that you may be unwittingly perpetuating a family mythology. Ask yourself: “Could it be possible that my parents were more abusive or neglectful that I would like to believe? Was there a subtle way they put me down? Did they praise me, but five me the hidden message that I didn't measure up? Did they say they loved me but paid little attention to my needs?”

Later, you may identify with a particular description of family life, but not the attending emotional difficulties. For example, you may read the section on grandiosity and say to yourself “My father may have openly preferred me to both my brothers, but that didn't make me grandiose. I'm always humble and level-headed.” In this case, test the validity of your self-perception. Ask yourself: “Do people ever accuse me of being arrogant? Has a friend indicated that I'm a bit full of myself? Have I ever had problems at work that might be attributed to grandiosity?” If you keep an open mind as you venture into this chapter, you may make considerable progress on your road to recovery.

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Emotional Challenges of the Adult Child of Enmeshment

Guilt and Anxiety

• Guilt
• Chronic Low-Level Anxiety

Self-Image Problems

• Fluctuating Self-esteem
• Fear of Rejection
• Social Isolation
• Feelings of Inferiority

Perfectionism

• Denial of Needs
• A Compulsive Need to Succeed

Identity Problems

• A Diffuse Sense of Identity
• An Inability to Separate from the Parent
• Personal Boundary Problems

Relationship Problems

• Fear of Commitment
• Lack of Romantic Attraction
• Conflicts Between the Spouse and the Parent
• Attraction to Self-Centered Partners
• Sexual Problems

Excerpt from
Dr. Patricia Love's The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent's Love Rule's Your Life Bantam Books, 1990

Healing from Emotional Incest

From “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.. Exploring the dynamics of covert (emotional or non-sexual but gender-related) incest.

In previous posts on this topic, specifically from Patricia Love's book “The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life,” I presented information directly from this book to demonstrate the many similarities between covert/emotional incest and the family relationships advocated by patriocentricity.

 Where the so-called “Biblical patriarchy” movement applies these same dynamics, teaching them as the true Scriptural model for family relationships, I've named these same dynamics “Botkin Syndrome.” Geoff Botkin as well as his daughters, Anna Sophia and Elizabeth, advocate these relationships through avenues affiliated with Vision Forum including their book “So Much More,” and their video production entitled “The Return of the Daughters.” Presenting information about healing and correcting these unhealthy patterns of relating to one another within families proves to be far more complicated than citing examples of dynamics from Love's book, but subsequent posts here will give you a taste of the wise advise that I believe that Dr. Love offers in the remainder of her work on this subject.

In addition to the general problems of covert/emotional incest, I believe that the Botkin's teachings represent an outgrowth and logical conclusion of a legalistic and work-based understanding of the New Testament, the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the Protestant faith. A true experience at the Cross of Calvary and forgiveness of sins through faith in Jesus should dispel the understanding of the Christian faith as a process of living by and under Old Testament legalism, such as I believe is followed by those within the Biblical patriarchy/patriocentric belief system. So in addition to healing this type of emotional abuse of children and families by those who were likely unaware of the damaging nature of this process and related teachings, I also believe that an honest examination of the teachings of patriarchy is called for to bring about complete healing. To that end, I believe that reading at my other blog and website gives those interested a good place to start the process. I also recommend “thatmom” Karen Campbell's podcast series on Patriarchy/Patriocentricity (Sept – Nov 2007) and Spiritual Abuse (Apr – May 2008), and a planned update in the Fall of 2008 as a good place to start. These podcasts can be downloaded at www.thatmompodcast.com. The links here to both the Patriocentricity and the Spiritual Abuse series sets will also link you to a discussion of the material covered in the podcasts.

Putting Dr. Love's Book and Advice into Perspective

Since the late 80s during my clinical experience as a nurse and during the first serious confrontation of my own denial about my family of origin, I've read about this concept of covert/emotional incest. As I recently wrote in this post, I've found that each time I revisit this process of looking back into my own history to be frustrating and intimidating. Even now that I am in a very safe place in my life with safe and growing relationships of trust with supportive others, part of me feels both anger and frustration that there is yet another unpleasant level of denial and myth to tear away in both my memories as well as in the way I look at the world. But this is precisely where the keys to my continued wholeness lay hidden.

When certain traumatic events occurred in my life, a part of me became fractured off from the rest, and I stopped growing in that area. I also had a series of traumas that followed one another when I was quite young. Though my faith teaches that I am living out God's plan for my life , I also understand the perspective that the lack of personal boundaries and behaviors that I learned in my family also made me a vulnerable target for emotional predators.

 I learned to yield unconditionally to all authority figures, any of those who were older than I was (elders as a general class of people), and particularly to men. In the process that was magnified by my own family situation and my personal history, I was taught to distrust my own internal discernment when I found myself in a conflict with the opinions of others, particularly if they were viewed by me as an authority by virtue of age, position and gender. The covert/emotional incest dynamics, not unlike the Botkin teachings, promoted the circumstances that resulted in subsequent traumas. I once saw a T-shirt that said something about “being flypaper for freaks,” and in this example, I agree that this was true. Like predatory animals target the weak and the young who linger near the outskirts of their flocks, I found myself in precarious and vulnerable circumstances because of the beliefs and experiences my family of origin taught to me.

When I see others suffer or when my life is touched by new pains as a consequence of living, I am reminded of similar hardships that I have encountered at earlier times in my life. As I pass by these events in memory or through a realization that the old hurts of the past have not completely healed at the deepest levels, I find myself going back to these similar places in my history. The process of reclaiming myself at each event where I became “stuck” or stopped growing as a result of trauma did not take place fully on the first visit of re-examining the past. Each occasion that seeks to bring deeper healing to these areas is like a redeeming of the parts of myself that became lost in the trauma. 

I currently have the great blessing of a loving therapist, a Christian, who has guided me through this process, adding to the work that I embarked upon through my own journey. (I also seek counsel because dealing with the emails and accounts of others who write to me also requires that I find my own support as I reach out to them.) I've been on a journey where I've gone back to rescue and liberate myself from those circumstances where a part of me became stuck in the memory of traumas and disappointments. I've gone back to those memories of the great disappointments and traumas in my life to rescue and redeem those “dis-integrated” (or “stuck”) parts of myself that never progressed past the disappointments, as I have “re-integrated” myself so that I am made ever more whole, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

Note: I believe that God orders the events of my life, allowing trials to “prove” me like a master swordsmith repeatedly heats and pounds and processes the metals over and over again. I'm reminded of the narrative that we are given in the Book of Job where the Accuser approaches God, asking for the opportunity to prove what is in Job's heart. Jesus also states to Peter that Satan has asked to “sift him like wheat.” I believe that all that has occurred in my personal history likely follows this same process, including what the author calls the plight of the “Chosen Child.” God has a purpose and a plan to demonstrate both His Own Glory and Faithfulness through the events of my life as He demonstrates and manifest healing in my life. The process conforms me to His Image, despite the difficulties and often hard circumstances. As I have been comforted, I seek to also share this comfort with others, my main impetus for presenting this information.

Begin Your Personal Journey Toward Healing

I encourage all who have gleaned insight from the many examples of “Botkin Syndrome” and the “Chosen Child” excerpted from Dr. Love's book to buy and read the whole work. This journey of healing is an intensely personal one. I will begin to conclude this blog series with some summary ideas from the rest of Love's writings, but not in as great detail as I did in describing the dynamics and similarities between Botkin Syndrome and the Chosen Child.

Another great adjunct to this process, if you found a strong element of truth in the descriptions of the Chosen Child includes a study of the freedom from shame we should embrace as Christians who are made new creations in Christ Jesus. Please revisit the list of these resources in this blog post. Chamberlin's audio series concerning shame as well as the book, “Love is a Choice” provide much insight, adding a decidedly Christian perspective to healing.

I pray that all who read here will continue the process of recovery from all these “syndromes” posed by these dynamics – dynamics that I do not believe accurately reflect the freedom and liberty that we should enjoy in Christ.

Concerning
Dr. Patricia Love'sThe Emotional Incest Syndrome:
What to Do When a Parent's Love Rule's Your Life
Bantam Books, 1990

Characteristics of Covert (Emotional) Incest

From “Silently Seduced” by Kenneth Adams. Exploring the dynamics of covert (emotional or non-sexual but gender-related) incest.

In his book “Silently Seduced,” Kenneth Adams continues to describe covert incest, the process by which a parent or major caregiver uses a child to meet and satisfy their (non-sexual) unmet adult needs. Dr. Patricia Love in her work, “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” describes her own experience with her adult clients who have also become enmeshed emotionally and psychologically with their parents as a result of the process of covert incest. She terms the child within these relationships the “chosen child,” but the dynamics are all the same. Pia Melody builds upon this premise to describe the interaction and dynamics of adult children who follow the same dysfunctional patterns that they did in their child-parent relationships because we are all drawn to what we find familiar. In any case, the basic rules are quite the same. Adults will recreate the unresolved conflicts of their childhood in their adult lives, using the only relationship skills they have and know, however dysfunctional.

Please read Adams' description of the basic characteristics of covert incest in both parent-child and adult child (grown adults who experienced covert incest as children), considering the profound effects of this type of parenting on children. [Blog host notes are italicized and noted in blue text.]

From pages 2 -4:

There is nothing loving or caring about a close parent-child relationship when it services the needs and feelings of the parent rather than the child. “Feeling close” with your parents, particularly the opposite-sex parent, is not the source of comfort the image suggests. It is a relationship in which the individual, both as a child and later as an adult, feels silently seduced by the parent. Feelings of appreciation and gratitude do not prevail in these “close relationships.” Instead they are a source of confusing, progressive rage.

During the feedback section of my lectures on the subject, some participants are quite vocal with their rage and express relief that they now understand why at times they hate with vengeance the same parent who has always loved them “so much.” Some are frozen in their seats and can't speak, while others can't wait to leave. A few courageous parents speak up, expressing that they are now beginning to understand why their son or daughters struggle in relationships.

Others listen to the lectures and insist there is no harm in their close relationship to their opposite-sex parent. Actually they claim to feel special and privileged. These children were given a special position by being idealized by the parent. But there is no privilege in being cheated out of a childhood by being a parent's surrogate partner. As adults these individuals in turn idealize their parents to cover the pain of the abandoned and victimized child within. To be a parent's surrogate partner is to be a victim of covert incest. This book is about the silent seduction covert incest victims experience and its effect on their sexuality, intimacy and relationships...

Characteristics of Covert Incest:

• Love/Hate Relationship. One often has intense feelings of both love and hate for the opposite-sex parent. On one hand, you feel special and privileged because of the relationship; on the other you frequently feel you aren't doing enough for that parent. This results in feelings of guilt which result in rage that is seldom directly expressed. [According to Pia Mellody, this is more common in the Love Avoidant counterpart in a relationship.]
  

• Emotional Distance from Same Sex Parent. In contrast to the love/hate relationship with the opposite-sex parent, you feel abandoned by the same-sex parent. This relationship often is competitive and the parent feels like an adversary. Feeling contempt for this parent is common. [Adams focuses on the opposite-sex enmeshment relationship, but a same-sex enmeshment is also possible and common.]
  

• Guilt and Confusion over Personal Needs. You feel guilty about your needs and probably never have a difficult time identifying what they are. You generally try to “be strong,” caretake or always “be there” for others as a way of meeting your own needs. [Pia Mellody terms this the“shame-existence bind” in other texts.]
  

• Feelings of Inadequacy. You are likely to have chronic feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. You believe your worth as a man or a woman is determined by what you can do rather than who you are.
  

Covert/Emotional Incest Checklist: .....the long version....

From “The Emotional Incest Syndrome” by Patricia Love with Jo Robinson.. Exploring the dynamics of covert (emotional or non-sexual but gender-related) incest, pages 25 -27:

Checklist 1: Signs of Enmeshment

Directions: Read each of the following statements and put a checkmark by the ones that are true for you. You may find it helpful to put the initials of the appropriate parent or caretaker beside each statement to clarify your response. (In this and subsequent checklists, the word parent can refer to parents, stepparents, or other significant caretakers.)

If you have a complex life history, you may find it helpful to write some additional comments by your responses, such as “this was true before my father remarried,” or “this was true mainly after my mother died.”

Answer these questions from a historical perspective. In other words, try to recall how you felt when you were a child, rather than how you feel now.

Part A. Indication of an Overly Close Parent-Child Bond

1. I felt closer to one parent than the other.
2. I was a source of emotional support for one of my parents.
3. I was “best friends” with a parent.
4. A parent shared confidences with me.
5. A parent was deeply involved in my activities or developing my talents.
6. A parent took a lot of pride in my abilities or my achievements.
7. I was given special privileges or gifts by one of my parents.
8. One of my parents told me in confidence that I was the favorite, most talented or most lovable child.
9. A parent thought I was better company than his or her spouse.
10. I sometimes felt guilty when I spent time away from one of my parents.
11. I got the impression that a parent did not want me to marry or move far away from home.
12. When I was young I idolized one of my parents.
13. Any potential boyfriend or girlfriend was never “good enough” for one of my parents.
14. A parent seemed overly aware of my sexuality.
15. A parent made sexual remarks or violated my privacy.

Part B. Indication of Unmet Adult Needs

1. My parents were separated, divorced, widowed, or didn't get along very well.
2. One of my parents was often lonely, angry, or depressed.
3. One of my parents did not have a lot of friends.
4. One or both parents had a drinking or drug problem.
5. One of my parents thought the other parent was too indulgent or permissive.
6. I felt I had to hold back my own needs to protect a parent.
7. A parent turned to me for comfort or advice.
8. A parent seemed to rely on me more than on my siblings.
9. I felt responsible for a parent's happiness.
10. My parents disagreed about parenting issues.

A Few Definitions

A Terminology Primer

ANT	“Automatic Negative Thought” (cognitive therapy per Dr. Amen)
autonomy	The state of self governing or self management, independent of others
Botkin Syndrome (a term that was abandoned in Feb 2019 at the request of the daughters of Geoffrey Botkin)	The dysfunctional dynamics and long-term effects of the teachings of the Botkin Sisters and Vision Forum (Covert/emotional incest, non-sexual but gender related incest intermingled with the the teachings of patriarchy/patriocentricity)
boundaries	The border or limit in a relationship where one person stops and another person begins. (That which defines a person's autonomy.) A lack of defined, established or defended boundaries causes dysfunctional relationships that result in emotional, psychological and relationship problems.
Chosen Child	Dr. Patricia Love's term for a child of covert (emotional/non-sexual) incest
cognitive behavioral therapy	Therapy to teach emotional control through correct thinking
Cognitive	Thinking function of the brain
dysfunctional family roles	enabler (caretaker), hero (good child), lost child, mascot (comedian), mastermind (manipulative child), scapegoat (problem child)
EMDR	Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (therapy)
enmeshment	In terms of Botkin Syndrome, describes the relationship between an adult and child wherein the adult uses the child to satisfy his/her adult needs
Incest covert overt	As related to Botkin Syndrome, incest is the using of one family member (generally an adult) in an inappropriate way to meet needs at the expense of the other party. (Does not always refer to sexual violation.) Covert: Use of a child by a parent (or sibling) to meet adult needs (non-sexual emotional, psychological or religious) Overt: sexual violation
Intimacy	Close acquaintance, association or familiarity (apart from sexual intimacy; need not imply sexual intimacy)
Love Addiction	Pia Mellody's term for an unhealthy pattern in relationships wherein the addicted person resists emotional intimacy through fantasy but craves love, attention and care from an objectified partner.
Love Avoidance	Pia Mellody's term for an unhealthy pattern in relationships wherein the avoidant person resists emotional intimacy through caretaking or rescuing their objectified partner.
objectify (objectification)	To view or treat a person as an object by failing to recognize or appreciate the full value and essence of someone's personhood or humanity
personality disorder	A clinical term for a consistent/sustained pattern of behavior stemming from a person's personality traits
self-injury	A compulsive behavior such as cutting, picking skin, pulling hair, interfering with wound healing. Reduces anxiety by stimulating the production of endorphins and is often a symptom of unresolved, chronic trauma and Borderline Personality Disorder.
sexualize (sexualizing)	To attribute sexual characteristics and qualities to things that are not sexual in nature. To see all things in terms of sex or gender
shame-existence bind	Guilt and discomfort experienced by both children and adult children of enmeshment over having needs that must be met. Guilt induced by chronic feelings of worthlessness learned in dysfunctional, shame-based relationships.
surrogate	One thing or person that takes the place of another. In terms of Botkin Syndrome, refers to family members replacing the role and function other more appropriate family members for the purpose of meeting basic human needs (can include basic physical, emotional, psychological, religious or sexual needs)
therapy	Psychotherapy (treatment of psycho-social conditions through various modalities such as family, cognitive-behavioral, EMDR or other therapy to improve mental health and function

Restricted Identity and Controling Feelings by Controling People

“Love is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships” by Hemfelt, Minirth and Meier.


From page 23:


“The Ten Traits of Codependency”


1. The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.

2. The codependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.

3. The codependent’s self-esteem (and, frequently maturity) is very low.

4. A codependent is certain that his or her happiness hinges on others.

5. Conversely, a codependent feels inordinately responsible for others.

6. The codependent’s relationship with a spouse or Significant Other Person (SOP) is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.

7. The codependent is a master of denial and repression.

8. The codependent worries about things he or she can’t change and may well try to change them.

9. A codependent’s life is punctuated by extremes.

10. A codependent is constantly looking for something that is missing or lacking in life.


From page 5:

In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as “an addiction to people, behaviors or things.” Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or the lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self – personal identity – is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems.

Excerpts from
Robert Hemfelt, Frank Minirth and Paul Meier’s
“Love is a Choice:
The Definitive Book on
Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships”
Thomas Nelson, 1989