Unwritten Rules Enmeshed Families

Excerpts from "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves" by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.




From page 107:

Unwritten Rules

Children who grow up in dysfunctional families quickly learn the unwritten, unspoken rules of the household. Here are some that are especially common:

1. We don’t feel.

• We keep our emotions guarded, especially anger (though often there is one person who is allowed to express feelings openly, especially anger).

2. We are always in control.

• We don’t show weakness. We don’t ask for help, which is a sign of weakness.

3. We deny what is going on.

• We don’t believe our senses or perceptions. We lie to ourselves and others.

4. We don’t trust.

• Not ourselves, not others. No one can be relied upon, no one confided in.

5. We keep the family’s secrets.

• Even if we are told, no one would believe us – or so we think.

6. We are ashamed.

• We are to blame for everything bad that happens – and we deserve it.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)